Dream

I had a horrible dream.

I dreamt that it was Sunday, and I hadn't done anything to study for my two upcoming tests, and my aunt was coming over with my cousins and her family to our house. I got so mad that my parents didn't tell me anything. I started screaming at them at the top of my lungs, saying why didn't they tell me anything, that now I'm going to fail my classes since I can't study with them there, and that I'll lose my scholarship and have to drop out of college. I think I even started hitting my mom.
Whenever my cousins are there I can't do anything because they are always loud and rowdy and they want all of the attention for themselves. Then I noticed that my aunt and her family already came, so I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom. Like always, my cousins started knocking on the door, trying to open it. But I just ignored them.
I felt horrible, like running away or killing myself.

I took this as a bad omen, telling me that I should get on top of everything. Yesterday I wasted my entire day changing around the html in my profile. I can't waste my days, because if I do, I will fail my tests, I haven't studied or read anything. And I need to do it today, because I don't know what is going to happen later that might prohibit me from studying. When I looked at my cell phone, I had one missed call. It was my aunt. Maybe the dream was a warning of something that will happen, but if I plan everything the right way, I won't have to react in the way I did in the dream, and there wouldn't be any consequences.

Time of Your Life

I am so... funny.

Well, I woke up on Saturday at 8p in the evening, I had stayed up all night the night before, partly because I came back from going out at 2a and did stuff online until around 8a.
So on Saturday, I woke up determined to finish what I didn't do the past days, especially since I slept through most of that day.

Well, as usual, I did nothing. Actually, I did read about a page, and I think I answered like three questions.
I kept staying up, not doing anything, until around 1p or 2p. Then my sister said my aunt planned to go to the movies with us, and, even though I had been up all day, I said okay.

So, I stayed up since 8p Saturday, until now, didn't do anything, and instead went out to the movies to see "Corpse Bride" and to eat at T.G.I.F. Fridays.

It was a good day.

But I have to say "Corpse Bride" was lacking. It was a bit cheesy at times, and it was way too short. It also seemed to lack that classic Burton "je ne sais quois," as well as any "care" and "detail." Well, I did notice there was a reference to Tim Burton's first short claymation film "Vincent." The father character calls Victor "Vincent" by mistake. Elfman's music was a bit bland, nothing like his earlier Beetlejuice, Scissorhands, and Nightmare works. I would have hoped he would return to that "sound" for this movie, but it was just jejune, like any other generic hollywood score.

Epiphany

I was talking with my aunt today, about many things.
She has some problems in her life that are really getting in the way, and she's trying to take steps to fix it.
She keeps going back, but she's trying different strategies to stop.
She said that she's tired of it, and she just wants to get that out of the way, live her life, and accomplish her goals.

And I realized I have a similar problem.
I almost felt like a hypocrite, giving her advice.
There are some problems I have in my way that are blocking me from achieving my goals.
But I haven't taken any steps towards removing it, and I haven't really tried.
If I don't try, I can never actually get anything done.
It's like rolling a die, there is a chance you may win, but if you don't roll it, there is no chance at all.

So I have to roll my die, try, and see what happens.
If it's unsuccessful, I'll just have to roll it again, maybe using a different strategy, until I actually fix my problems.

So I need to try and I need to have motivation.

I'll blame my weight for now.

It's known to cause depression and lack of energy.

Now, I'm going to go to Chili's. :)

(Too bad I just finished eating like six pizzas less than a few hours ago.)

My life is uninteresting.
So am I.

But, who cares?

I just need to update and renovate my life.
I've always wanted to, I'm just too lazy and I procrastinate too much.

I'm putting off my life 'til tomorrow, and time is running out.

I have problems...

But at least I don't have problems, so I have no excuse.

...I need a more personal journal. So I won't have to worry about being pretentious...
I know I can set it as "private," but who knows?

Do I even read this? I don't think I've ever read a past entry.
Maybe not enough time has passed.




I can't even get materialism down, how will I ever get to personality, organization, philosophy, and spirituality?
Self-actualization sucks. Maybe I've taken some steps towards it with art and music... Just "discovering" new things... But it would be nice if some of those things would be actual knowledge of things. I would like to read books, but it's so arduous. And it's not like I take any steps towards it.

Fuck emo jokes.
This journal is for me, I have the right to complain about or point out whatever my current self decides is wrong with my life.


I had plans to read some Accounting chapter today. That's going great... Maybe I'll do it now.

So many things I want to do and I can't even do the obligatory things.

What ever happened to my self a few years ago? That self was more organized and he was great in time management. He was shy, but he didn't mind talking to others. That was a nice person. Whatever happened to him?
He would be helpful at this time.


Maybe I'll blame it on some karmic, universal thing. That seems the easiest.

Hmm.. I'm usually Pollyannaish about everything.. What's the bright side about procrastinating my life away?

I guess I can experience things now, instead of putting them off and maybe not being able to experience them because of lack of time or because they've passed. Now, when I say "experience things," that pretty much consists of watching TV shows and typing about something in a forum.

That's all my life has become lately. All I do is go back and forth from two forums and MySpace, looking for new posts or messages.

Now, I know I won't do anything as drastic as deleting it, but it would be nice to stop it. I'm literally addicted to it. I need to stop.

That's all my life has consisted of recently. It is pathetic.

It all started when I got my laptop about half a year ago. It's right there in my room, and I can access the internet whenever I want. I was never used to that. I used to have to go downstairs to use the computer and I had to worry about parents, sleep, time, etc.











Done.

Somnilexia

Why is it that I'm "smarter" when I'm more sleep-depraved?
Words come to me easily, I have a better vocabulary, I can "think faster," and I'm a smidgen more eloquent.
Not only that, I'm like a different person. I'm not as impulsive or defensive, and I'm a bit more tactful.
I'm more creative as well, and my mind seems more "open." Things seem to come more easily to me.

Futurism

Sometimes I can't stand certain aspects of contemporary life. I don't know whether modernity or postmodernity is to blame, but all of this bureaucracy, monotony, complication, and over-specialization is just overwhelming at times. I try to accept it, perversely, by thinking of it as a mild version of Orwell's "1984."
Today I called my school and asked if they had some kind of career counselor I can talk to and ask general questions about careers. She told me that first I have to come to the office and "sign up for their services," which I think is like $20. I wasn't sure if I had already payed it before, so I asked her if I would be in their system. To me it just seems like preposterous red tape and a redundant extra step. Why would I need to sign up and pay $20 just to ask a few simple questions?
Well, I called because I was contemplating my future and career, and I just would like to talk to someone and ask questions.
I like business. The entrepreneurial side at least. But all of the monotony and bureaucracy of it is just overwhelming. I don't want to become an accountant or a manager of a bank. I just want to own my own business (not someone else's), something that provides a unique service or product, and where all of the red tape is secondary.
I really like art. I see myself as an artist in many ways. But art just doesn't make money, unless you are exceedingly lucky and you find a way to reprogram society's trends (at least for a few minutes). Or, if you don't mind being the myrmidon of every moment's collective consciousness. I have always been an "idea person," and owning a business will probably give me the wherewithal to bring these ideas into fruition. Combining business with art is probably the only way I can make money without selling my creative soul to society's whims and without playing the artist lottery and waiting to "hit it big."
Combining business with art is the unison of the left brain and the right brain, entropy with order, yin and yang. Art is creative, innovative, inspiring, and imaginative and business thrives on those aspects to become successful, but organizes it into a system.
I think it's just perfect for me. I'm anal, obsessive-compulsive, and want everything perfect and in order, but at the same time I'm a bit eccentric, I enjoy chaos of sorts, and I enjoy any novel, creative thing that comes my way.
We have recently seen different celebrities commingling the art world with the business world. Many popular musicians, models, and actors have recently pursued entrepreneurial endeavors, such as opening up their own line of clothing or fragrances, or just launching their own company in general. I may utilize these people as role models for my cause.
I can't imagine doing anything else. I don't want to be a psychiatrist anymore because I can't imagine myself listening to other people's problems everyday and shoving the newest pill down their throat. I've lost some of my interest in video games, and found that that kind of creativity can be utilized in anything (thinking of new characters, "levels," "puzzles," etc.). Those are pretty much the only professions I have given much thought to, other than wanting to become a magician when I was eight...
What I want to do the most is fashion design. But, like I was saying, I don't want to "sell my creative soul" to whatever fun, new, trendy company that hires me; I want to own my own ideas. So, I can open up my own company and sell my own merchandise. I also want to open up a discothèque and a restaurant with a unique theme (or several discothèques and restaurants). I'm just always getting different ideas that are either related to art or business. (Also, I get some ideas about architecture, but rather than pursuing a four-year degree, I'd rather hire the latest postmodern architect to work off some of my ideas for any buildings I would want to house my companies.)
Someone once said "If you're happy with your job, you will never work a day in your life." That is true, if you're doing something you like, it would be like getting paid for a hobby or skill you enjoy doing. This is my plan. I have my college education to fall back on, and I'm seeing if I could get my Real Estate license and do that on the side (even though it's something I'm not really interested in). Maybe I can then save up and take fashion design and other classes in an art school. Afterwards, I could get a government loan and work either in real estate or slave away in a generic, mediocre business job and save up to start a business.

HW2

I think I have an irrational fear of doing homework.
I had a four day weekend and I did nothing. I decided to stay up today and drink a lot of caffeine, and I did nothing.
Now it's time for school, and I didn't do anything. I just opened up my word document, minimized it, and did something else.
Good thing nothing is actually due today. But there are things that are due tomorrow. I hope I at least get that done.

I need a therapist. But they are expensive and they are just going to sit there and have me say private things to them that I'm uncomfortable talking about. Then I'll just feel stupid about myself. And it's probably not even that big of a deal.

HW

I need to start thinking about Sabrina and Moesha whenever I can't get myself to do my homework.
They both have a lot of problems in their lives, and they still find time to do all of their college work.
Sabrina even has a job and writes for her school newspaper. I'm not sure about Moesha's after-school activities (I have only seen a few of her college episodes).

If they can do it, I can do it too.
Anyways, I don't work, I don't do anything after-school, I don't have any friends, and I rarely have any life problems.
Moesha and Sabrina have these things and they still find time to study, do their homework, and get good grades.
So I have no excuse whatsoever.

Also, try to do it ahead of time. There are several things that can happen, that have happened before, on the last day you have to do homework: (a) Lucy can come with one of her "surprise visits" with Tony and Donny, (b) mom could have one of her "cleaning paroxysms," (c) you can get an opportunity to go out with Mirita, (d) you could get sick or just feel bad, (e) you could oversleep, (f) one of your e-friends could have a "dilemma," or (z) anything that is impromptu and would deter you from doing your homework can happen (like an emergency). One example was this weekend when Dyna had her kittens; it really took away a lot of your time. If you would do your homework ahead of time you won't have to worry if any of these things happen. So keep that in mind.

Kittyborn

Yesterday night Dyna gave birth to four kittens: three black cats and one gray cat with black stripes.
My mom named one of them "Tazmanian" because he/she was the one that was most aggressive in drinking milk.
My sister is already thinking of giving one of them to her friend and one to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend picked the gray one and named him/her "Mercury." I don't know if we're going to keep any of them. But we would have to keep them for at least a month or two so they could survive. So we are going to inevitably get attached to them. We're already attached to them and they've only been born for about ten hours. Luna was following Dyna around everywhere before they were born and they were both constantly meowing to each other, and maybe to us trying to tell us that Dyna was about to give birth. My mom suspected it and she told me to keep an eye on them. They both picked my closet as their "spot" the day before yesterday. I stayed up until 3pm, but I released them from my room before I went to bed, since my sister and dad were already awake. Dyna ended up giving birth at around 9:45pm yesterday on my sister's bed. My sister woke me up. She screamed "Oh my god!" at the top of her lungs. I assumed one of the cats died and my mom assumed I was dead. My sister always makes exaggerated screams for everything. She screamed because there was blood on her bed and the kittens were already coming out.
I have been up since then [9:45pm]. I planned to do my homework, but so far I haven't done anything. I can't use the cats as an excuse because my mom was the one primarily looking after them. Right now I should be doing work. Since I have no new messages or friend requests on MySpace and there are no new posts in any of the message boards I post in, here I am writing out a blog for today. But I guess it's an important thing to write about. Right now I'm in my sister's room keeping an eye on the cats. Luna has been next to Dyna this whole time, before and after the labor; she has barely eaten. Dyna hasn't eaten much either. Before the kittens were born they ate the whole day non-stop. It was probably to get ready for this, since they haven't left the kittens this whole time. But we brought them a little bit of food. I put Luna down in front of the bowl of food, she ate a little and then she went right back to Dyna's side. At any other time she would be pigging out.
I saw "Castle in the Sky" today, and it was fantastic. I think it's the best Miyazaki film yet. I can't believe it was made back in 1986. His films always transport me into another world and I forget I even exist. Those are the best kinds of movies. And I just want to see it again and again. I remember a few years ago I went through this "Kiki's Delivery Service" binge where I would see that movie almost everyday for like two weeks. I have to see the new one, "Howl's Moving Castle," too bad it wasn't in any theatres close-by when it came out. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.

Well, let me get to my homework now (hopefully).

fainéant

[insert whining about my incessant procrastination]

Warm Leatherette

I crashed today.
It was a minor crash.
I was nervous, and I didn't know what to do.
Surprisingly, the guy I hit was very nice and calm.
He called the police so they could do a report.
I called my mom and asked her what I was supposed to do.
My dad had to come to bring me the insurance paper, because the one I had was outdated.
Surprisingly my dad wasn't [as] mad as I thought he would be. My mom was very nonchalant when I called her on the phone.
We waited for the police to come while my dad socialized with the guy I crashed into.
The policeman came and he told us that for that kind of minor crash we really didn't have to call the police.
We were just supposed to trade information and do the report ourselves.
But the police officer did the report for us.
Which was good because I don't know whether I would be able to do the report on my own.
I'm supposed to mail in one copy to this address on the back and give one copy to the insurance company.
It was $500 of estimated damage...

I'm kind of reluctantly glad that I had this experience.
It was my first car crash.
It wasn't that bad, I didn't get hurt and I didn't do that much damage.
Now I have had the experience of crashing.
I should now be more careful and alert in the future.

I always see the positive side of everything.
The positive side of this crash was that it was an experience, no on got hurt, I didn't do much damage, and I got $20 (because I told my dad I was going to 49th street because the computer at the other Taco Bell wasn't accepting cards).

Slumber

I just woke up from a delicious day's slumber, a dreamless sleep. If that is what death feels like, life is overrated.
I felt as if every cell in my body was dead, a complete lack of perception, where I had nothing to worry about. This is why I contemplate death so much, if it feels like this, it would be better than any sensation my mind or brain can produce.
I went to sleep in hopes that my life would evaporate away, and in a way it did. During sleep, I vanished from this realm of existence.
And, when I awoke, so did the light outside, any cares or worries my family had about me, and half of my family themselves have evaporated into a state of sleep.
This is the time and the condition that I feel at my best, I feel more peaceful, complacent, and creative. Maybe I am more attune with my higher self. I love waking up at this time, preferably to an empty house. But, unfortunately, my mom is nocturnal, as am I, and there is only a two hour gap between my mom's and dad's biological clocks.
I slept through the entire day, less four hours. If only I could sleep throughout my entire life, as if I were in a coma...