Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Death and Pizza
I woke up a few minutes ago from a dream where [user deleted] died.
In the dream at least, it was a horrible feeling that had set in.
In real life, I actually got a phone call that night from [user deleted]'s house. I didn't get it of course, but no message was left.
In the dream however, this phone call gained a new level of meaning. Was it his brother calling me to let me know of the news? Or maybe it would have been his last phone call ever to me before his death?
Let me give you some background, when I got that phone call yesterday, I got a horrible feeling of uneasiness. It was like this fear. I am trying everything in my power to forget about this person, and just the thought of them makes me feel distraught. I was feeling very anxious and uneasy for a few hours at work, until I just feel asleep.
It was 10:56pm in the dream. It was late, but I called his grandmother's house anyway. She was upset as usual and said she didn't want to speak to anyone, but I asked her if his brother was there [it seemed as she didn't know of the news as she was behaving as usual]. When I spoke to his brother, he was just crying nonstop, he was barely intelligible. In this dream, I had no idea whether this death was something very recent or something that had happened in the last week. I had no idea if I had missed the funeral, and I was wondering if the phone call I didn't get was him notifying me of the death and/or the funeral. It was a very horrible feeling. I felt like I had "lost my chance." You know that feeling that people talk about where they are not speaking to someone and are in bad terms with this person, and then they die? That's how I felt. Like this person had died, and their last memory of me was that we were arguing and not speaking to eachother. The last memory was something negative.
Now let me go back to the beginning a little bit in the dream. I was at my old house [pre-move] and my grandmother was there. I had ordered pizza. Strangely I ordered four individual slices. I had also ordered chicken wings, but they forgot to give it to me. It was some new weird kind of pizza. I got like extra cheese or something. I had also tried to eat three slices of bacon earlier, but they were undercooked, so I didn't eat them.
This does have some significance. In my subconscious and in my dream world, I am still living in my old house. My mind has still not adapted to this new place. I think that is why I have still not adapted or feel 100% comfortable. It is really hard for me to deal with change, and I think it's going to take a while for me to get settled in and used to the idea. It's like my "spirit" or something still lives there. Maybe that's how it works when people die, they get attached to a place and don't "move on" to the light. My spirit needs to "move on" several streets down the road and to the left.
Also, not only did I wake up with a horrible feeling of someone "missing" and "what could of been." I also woke up with a feeling of pizzalessness, and that I had someTHING missing. For a split second I was looking for my pizza. :(
But I just wanted to put into the collective consciousness:
[user deleted], we have our differences, and it's hard for us to get along. But when we do, it's a great thing. We don't have to be joined at the hip. But we also don't have to be so vitriolic to eachother. Life is too short. And if one of us dies, I really don't a negative thought to be the last one we have of eachother. I apologize.
Now... I am too scared to actually do this in person, and this person really did hurt me. So I don't know if I will actually talk to them in person. But it's going to be in the back of my head...
In the dream at least, it was a horrible feeling that had set in.
In real life, I actually got a phone call that night from [user deleted]'s house. I didn't get it of course, but no message was left.
In the dream however, this phone call gained a new level of meaning. Was it his brother calling me to let me know of the news? Or maybe it would have been his last phone call ever to me before his death?
Let me give you some background, when I got that phone call yesterday, I got a horrible feeling of uneasiness. It was like this fear. I am trying everything in my power to forget about this person, and just the thought of them makes me feel distraught. I was feeling very anxious and uneasy for a few hours at work, until I just feel asleep.
It was 10:56pm in the dream. It was late, but I called his grandmother's house anyway. She was upset as usual and said she didn't want to speak to anyone, but I asked her if his brother was there [it seemed as she didn't know of the news as she was behaving as usual]. When I spoke to his brother, he was just crying nonstop, he was barely intelligible. In this dream, I had no idea whether this death was something very recent or something that had happened in the last week. I had no idea if I had missed the funeral, and I was wondering if the phone call I didn't get was him notifying me of the death and/or the funeral. It was a very horrible feeling. I felt like I had "lost my chance." You know that feeling that people talk about where they are not speaking to someone and are in bad terms with this person, and then they die? That's how I felt. Like this person had died, and their last memory of me was that we were arguing and not speaking to eachother. The last memory was something negative.
Now let me go back to the beginning a little bit in the dream. I was at my old house [pre-move] and my grandmother was there. I had ordered pizza. Strangely I ordered four individual slices. I had also ordered chicken wings, but they forgot to give it to me. It was some new weird kind of pizza. I got like extra cheese or something. I had also tried to eat three slices of bacon earlier, but they were undercooked, so I didn't eat them.
This does have some significance. In my subconscious and in my dream world, I am still living in my old house. My mind has still not adapted to this new place. I think that is why I have still not adapted or feel 100% comfortable. It is really hard for me to deal with change, and I think it's going to take a while for me to get settled in and used to the idea. It's like my "spirit" or something still lives there. Maybe that's how it works when people die, they get attached to a place and don't "move on" to the light. My spirit needs to "move on" several streets down the road and to the left.
Also, not only did I wake up with a horrible feeling of someone "missing" and "what could of been." I also woke up with a feeling of pizzalessness, and that I had someTHING missing. For a split second I was looking for my pizza. :(
But I just wanted to put into the collective consciousness:
[user deleted], we have our differences, and it's hard for us to get along. But when we do, it's a great thing. We don't have to be joined at the hip. But we also don't have to be so vitriolic to eachother. Life is too short. And if one of us dies, I really don't a negative thought to be the last one we have of eachother. I apologize.
Now... I am too scared to actually do this in person, and this person really did hurt me. So I don't know if I will actually talk to them in person. But it's going to be in the back of my head...
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