[dis]synchronous semeiotics

This is strange.

Synchronicity is back. But it's not all positive.
Maybe it was warning me or trying to tell me something?

I don't know, it started out as being something positive, but it didn't turn out that way.

I don't really know how to read it this time.
But I guess I'll find out in due time what it all means.

What is the universe trying to tell me!?

The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle

* Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
* Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
* Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
* Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
* Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable. [Where I am right now.]
* Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
* Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

[Although I noticed I move to and from different stages in no particular order. I was at the acceptance stage, but I reverted back for some reason.]

9223372036854775807

9223372036854775807

"interactive horror movie"

this is exciting. :)

Dilemma [B]

Ever since I got this new program, my annual dilemma quota has gone up significantly.
While this did break up the monotony and made things kind of exciting, the program seems to have stopped working. I don't know what to do. I'll just leave it there and hope it starts working again later on. I'll just use Notepad or MSPaint for now.

[Does not compute]

p2p

I was having an issue with my computer.
The software I had installed kept reading all of the files in .xls format.
But today a friend sent me this program he has, and now it reads the files in .raw format.
I know at first the files might get corrupted due to some interoperability errors.
But I'm working on the glitches and I'm sure it'll be fixed in no time.

MySpace

Should I use MySpace or LiveJournal?

The Monotony Machine is Radiating

day__

[alarm]
[program]
[outfit]
[breakfast]
-
[route]
traffic: avg 57.5 min.
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
[product on radio]
[product on billboard]
gray car, gray van, gray truck
[END route]
-
data entry: avg 70wpm
[name/DOB/phone#/SS#/credit.card#]
e-mail: avg 328/day
[invoice]
[customer complaint]
[spam]
phone: avg 52/day
[question]
[customer complaint]
[wrong number]
lunch break
[fax proposal]
[read memo]
[copy machine out-of-order]
-
[route]
traffic: avg 57.5 min.
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go_stop/go
[product on radio]
[product on billboard]
gray car, gray van, gray truck
[END route]
-
[dinner]
[sleepwear]
[program]
[bedtime]


month__

rent: 1st
phone: 15th
internet: 15th
cell: 19th
cable: 20th
light: 21st
insurance: 25th
water & sewer: [included]
gas: $50/week
groceries: $100/week
dispensable income: $100/month
-
house cleaning
weekend food/entertainment
weekend interpersonal relationship[s]
dilemma [A]
dilemma [B]


year__

salary: $30k
doctor visit
dentist visit
income tax
property tax
2-week vacation
holiday [A]
holiday [B]
holiday [C]
relative [A] birthday
relative [B] birthday
relative [C] birthday
relative [D] birthday
friend [A] birthday
friend [B] birthday
event [A]
event [B]


life__

birth
walk
talk
social interaction
education
environmental stimuli
[mind formation]
date[2/mo.] / sex[2/mo.] / marriage[1-2] / children[1.5]
home [A]
home [B]
home [C]
job [A]
job [B]
job [C]
death

Broadcast Storm

The collective consciousness is transmitted through the screen into my mind and overwhelms my neurons with redundant data.

I forget what I care about.

A child is murdered
A child is raped

A man is arrested
A man is a hero

A celebrity has overdosed
A celebrity is dating

A leader is hated
A leader is loved

A nation is bombed
A nation is conquered

A deity is killed
A deity is resurrected

[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]
[DEATH & PORNOGRAPHY]

[info]mercial

My life is incomplete.

I need to lose weight.
I need to look pretty.
I need to be healthy.
I need to be financially independent.
I need to satisfy my lover.
I need to smell better.
I need to straighten my hair.
I need to eat more.
I need to drink more.
I need to drink less.
I need to take a new pill.
I need to stop smoking.
I need to take better care of my children.

need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I need to I

[PRODUCT] has changed my life.

TV Dramedy

Entities on the television screen correlate to my dreams and aspirations.

I want to buy its clothes.
I want to buy its hair.
I want to buy its friends.
I want to buy its experiences.
I want to buy its life.

I am the character on the 8:30 pm situational comedy program.
I am the best friend you can always turn to.
I am the lonely girl in the corner.
I am the annoying little brother that ruins your science project.
I am the popular girl who gets into a freak car accident and becomes disfigured.

It broadcasts the perfect life.
It transmits memories of experiences I never had.

My first wetdream/period/bra/kiss/date/sexual.experience/fight/
My hectic part-time job.
My best friends.
My boy-/girl- friend.
My annoying parents.
My insecurities.

But I know that everything will work out after the third commercial break.

It tells me what to think.
It tells me what I care about.
It tells me what to feel.
It tells me who I am for 30 minutes.

The laugh track is my cue to smile.
The applause is my cue to approve.
The sad music is my cue to cry.
The advertisement is my cue to make a purchase.

[We'll be back after a short commercial break.]

You

You think that you are [].
But you really are [].

All of this time I have been [].
But it's never [].

Always, the same [].
I will never [].

No matter what, [].
And I am just tired of [].

From now on I am going [].
And I am going to stop caring about [].

This is the last [].

[][][][][][][]

I want to be like Miranda Sanchez

Miranda Sanchez is my role model. I love her. I wish I could be just like her. I wish I could have her style and her courage. She is always wearing such cool and interesting outfits. She does whatever she wants and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. She is always giving everyone great advice. And she still manages to have the best poise in school (or at least she would if Lizzie wouldn't have ruined it for everyone). She even likes "The Cat in the Hat," which I love, and she celebrates "El Dia de Los Muertos," which I would love to learn about. Even though she is much younger than me, I can relate to her so much, she is all I ever wanted to be. I wish I was like that in middle school or at least high school. I wish Miranda was my friend, she would have made such a great friend.
I think Miranda really influenced me in high school. Towards the end of my 12th grade year, I came out of my shell and I started experimenting with my style and I stopped caring what people think. I think that this is partly thanks to her.
Lizzie is just a dumb blonde. She can't think for herself. All she cares about is Ethan Craft. All of Lizzie's style was copied from Miranda, just so she can look good to get some dick. Lizzie only started dressing that way after she got her bra, when Miranda was always dressing like that all along. Lizzie is just a stupid bitch, she would spend $65 on a pair of expensive jeans just to look "cool" for the yearbook, while Miranda knows that you can find the best clothes even in thrift stores. Miranda always had to save Lizzie from conflict, Lizzie can't even stand up for herself, she's weak. The only talent Lizzie has is rhythmic gymnastics, what a loser. Unlike Lizzie, Miranda actually has serious plans for her future and she takes her school work seriously (instead of making some stupid report about Dolphins, and being a typical "B" student). But Miranda is also smart enough to know when to use "shortcuts" and not overwhelm herself, like when she used the E-Z read to do her book report. She still manages to have fun and not get into trouble. When Lizzie was running for president she ditched all of the "less popular" kids to hang out with the "cool kids," and breaking all of her promises. Of course, Miranda was there advising against it, because Miranda doesn't disregard all of her values just for some "popularity." Then another time, when Lizzie got the part of a fashion model for a teen magazine, she did the same thing all over again, but to her own friends! Lizzie has always been a lousy friend, and there have been several times that they almost stopped being friends, and it was always Lizzie's fault! She even accused Miranda of stealing! That goes to show you how much Lizzie trusts her own friends. On the other hand, Miranda always had to be the "bigger" person. I think that Miranda should have just stopped being her friend a long time ago, maybe it would have saved her...
Why do you think Miranda missing for the final episodes of "Lizzie McGuire"? Why wasn't she in the movie or the episode where Lizzie and Gordo were going through their school memories? Miranda is on vacation, Miranda is visiting her aunt in Mexico, bull FUCKING shit. Miranda looked better, she was smarter, she was more courageous, she was an amazing singer and violinist, she was better than Lizzie in every way. Miranda was gaining popularity and overshadowing Lizzie, there were even talks about a spin off show all about Miranda. Lizzie just couldn't take that, so she fucking murdered her. Why do you think they aired that "Clue" episode and Miranda wasn't there? What kind of student doesn't show up for their own graduation!? I just wish she were still alive today. :(


In loving memory of Miranda Sanchez...

The word of the day is "rut"

Yes, I think that's the word I was looking for, "rut."

I'm just so tired of school, and I know that's it's going to end, but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm just so tired of everything. Nothing ever happens in my life. (Okay, that's not true, something really good is happening in my life.. and it looks like it's something positive, I just want it to start happening already!)

I've slept through all of yesterday, and I was going to sleep through all of today, but luckily a friend caled and pulled me out.

I'm sleepy right now, I haven't done anything all day. I had a small quiz I had to do for one of my classes. I had to read three chapters, about 60 pages from some reading book. Now, do I spend all day reading, or do I just guess? It's only worth 2% of my grade, big deal, and I can guess half the questions.

Now I have a project for Marketing which is due Monday night, but I want to do it by Sunday night. But I just haven't felt like doing it all day. As I type this, my Marketing book is sitting next to me, mocking me, like some kind of joke.

I've been in a creative rut. I have no creativity whatsoever. Although, I attempted drawing a bit. Maybe it's just that I'm not having the usual media of "creativity," as in "ideas" and my stupid "philosophies." And as you can see, I have apparently lost my ability to write too. I'm not thinking anymore. The usual observations I have are just not coming to me. I used to have these make-shift ideas of how the world worked, but my dellusions have faded and I'm just seeing the ugly reality for what it really is, instead of just making my own.

Fuck that, I don't like this reality...

I MAKE MY OWN REALITY!


[Kesley's reality processing] (again)

Hopefully it doesn't fail to load like it has been for the past 2 weeks.

Plans and stuff

What do I want from life?
What do I want to do?
How can I be the ultimate me?
Am I satisfied with where I am now?
What can I do now to be happy with what I'm doing and move closer to where I want to be in life?

I started drawing, and it's not as horrible as I thought it would be. It's just my own style. It's not "professional" or anything, but I like it. Later I want to use actual paint and stuff like that.

Summer is coming up and I'm going to send my resume to my second cousin who works in some place in Miami Lakes. I might post my resume on Monster, however that works. I want to do that this weekend. I'm in my third year of college, so I can get a good paycheck. I'm not accepting anything under $10 an hour, especially since when I was a freshman, before I even started school I was already able to get a $10 an hour job. After I start working, I want to act as if I'm living on my own and save as if I were paying my rent, bills, insurance, etc. I want to see if I'm able to make ends meet in a hypothetical situation. I already think that I can. Then I can have more confidence to move on my own.

Moving is an issue that is impending in the back of my head. My parents want to move to Gainesville, but I have told them that I am staying behind and I don't want to move there. They said they'll wait until I finish college in a year. By then things will be easier, since I won't be in school. Now that I am going to work over the summer, I want to see how the financial situation is, and "practice" living on my own. I also want to make sure to learn anything I need to know that I depend on my parents for. Maybe I can ask how to cook a few things, I probably already know how to do it, I just haven't tried. I know that I know how to make steak, scrambled eggs, macaroni & cheese, etc. I want to make a list of anything that I depend on my parents for and start crossing things off as I see that I can do them by myself. For example, I've never gone to a Jiffy Lube or similar place to get my car checked and the oil changed, my dad has always done that.

Now, the thing is, I was thinking of double majoring in Marketing, which will add an extra semester to what I'm doing. If my parents leave and I'm completely on my own, it will be kind of hard going to school full time and working full time. Although, maybe I can find a way to cut it up somehow, take some online courses, go part-time, take summer courses.

I want[ed] to take Business Calculus over the summer, but the times and dates don't really look good. There's nothing on Saturdays, so it will conflict with my work, and I see that for Summer A & B, you have to go four days a week, instead of two. Maybe when I get my job I can see what times I'm going to be working and see if I can fit something in.

Also, in August I have to definitely take my Post-Licensing course and test for Real Estate. My license expires March 2008, and I think that is my last chance to take it if I want to keep my license. If not, I have to start all over again from scratch, re-take the state course, pass the course exam, pass the state exam, etc. But when I finish my post-licensing, I don't have to worry about that anymore, since I won't have to start from scratch, even if I don't do the continuing education (I think what they do is suspend your license until you take it). Then I will just have to do 14 hours of continuing education every two years, which can all be spread out and can be any real-estate related subject I want, and it can even be online. Real Estate hasn't really been yielding anything, but since I've been in school the entire time, I really haven't given it a chance. Now that I have summer, I can hopefully have my first client and my first closing. And when I get my summer job, I can start passing out my business cards. I also want to make new business cards, the cheap ones that I have are horrible, and it still has the calendar to 2006 in back of them (bad idea to put calendars in back of business cards).

So those are my "immediate" goals. But I also want to add in there some other things that are just good for my well-being and development. I want to do more things related to "me" and things that I like (instead of just the mundane school and career stuff). Over the summer I want to finally read the books I have lying around, the ones I actually want to read at least. Since I will be getting money, I can buy clothes I actually like and pretty much anything that I've ever wanted to get, but didn't have money to. I can also buy art-related stuff. I also want to go out, and hopefully I can go to some concert or something. I have noticed ever since I was young that the obstacle which was always limiting me in being who I really wanted to be was money. I know that may sound stupid, but there is only so much you can do without money. If I want to paint something, organize my room, wear a certain outfit, go to an event, etc. I need the money to actually buy what I need to do those things. So now I can get a job and see how it is to have some form of income.


P.S. This is so much better than writing in a physical journal. This would have taken me two hours if I wasn't typing it out...

Although, online journals do have their downfalls...

EXPERIENCE/EVENT

I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the I went to the

AND IT WAS A REALLY FUN EXPERIENCE/EVENT.
:D



[pictures of EXPERIENCE/EVENT loading...]

Stressful Homework Assignment

Well, today I woke up at 8:00 pm and I had only slept for seven hours, because the day before I was doing a really big project. I was really stressed out because I procrastinated for 3 days and I didn’t do anything until the last minute. I don’t know why I never finish anything and I am always procrastinating and getting stressed out all the time. I went to drive around and get Taco bell at 4:00 am, then I went to sleep at 5:07 pm. I stayed up all night because I was drinking a lot of coke and I had a lot of caffeine in my system so I finally woke up at 3:79 o'clock, but I was too sleepy. I had a really weird dream, but I forgot what it was all about. So then I went to school but I didn't get enough sleep. It was a boring class, I talked to a girl that asked me what the homework was about. Then I went home and I felt tired, but I couldn't go to sleep because the project I had to do was due the next day so I went to McDonalds and bought a Taco Bell and I was drinking a lot of soda so I couldn't go to sleep. Then I went to sleep at 6:66 in the morning! And I had 18.73 hours of sleep! I slept through the whole day and I had a dream that I was procrastinating on my 39-page report that was due on Tuesday that made me anxious on Thursday at 2 o’clock. That always happens to me, I sleep through the entire day and the whole day goes away and then I have to read an essay for school that was due on Monday and it took me forever to finish because I bought Taco Bell at 7:02 am and went to sleep at 2:07 pm for 2 weeks! So it was really stressful because I had my anxiety of talking to this person in my class that asked me what was on the test. And then I had to study for the Taco bell at 7:92 in the afternoon, so I don't know. I just hate that I'm always procrastinating and I wish I can accomplish my life at 6:42 am, and read things, but it's so overwhelming.

I still haven't finished my report on procrastination.

I wouldn't be able to live on my own.

I'm kind of happy. I would probably go crazy. I'm too impuslive, and usually I hold back because I don't want to wake my parents or break something of theirs.
But if I lived on my own... I would probably start throwing things across the room, running into walls and randomly screaming...
Actually I don't think an apartment will work out for me.

Personal Experience...

I just spent two hours driving. I now know where Churchills Pub is (where Sweat Records is at temporarily) and where the Swap Shop is (where there is a drive-in theatre). I wanted to look for two more places, but I had to be back before six, which was when I had to pick up my sister. It felt really great, I was the whole time just driving and listening to my Dopplereffekt CD, which I got in the mail today.
:)

The War on Iraq Was Just Another Reality TV Show

(Posted on my MySpace blog today at 5:10am)
Reality television became increasingly popular with the advent of the new millennium. By 2002-2003 it seemed like it had reached its climax, and different TV channels jumped on the trend, releasing shows such as "Big Brother," "America's Next Top Model," and "The Osbournes," to name a few. MTV was even already planning to release a Reality TV Movie, "The Real Cancun." Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox and Fox News, noticed he was losing ratings, and that attempts at reality TV shows like "Temptation Island" weren't working. So he devised a scheme to gain more ratings and to be at the top of the reality TV trend. He talked to George Bush, which owed him a favor (since Murdoch used all of his media outlets to brainwash the masses into electing him), about a way that he can work around this dilemma. Thus, "The War on Iraq" premiered on U.S. TV news stations all around the nation. All of the U.S. consumption units had their eyes glued on the news channels, with Fox News leading the way in ratings.
Although, "The War on Iraq" has lost its ratings recently since viewers have become disinterested in the show. But to combat this, Fox launched the "Fox Reality" Channel in May 2005, which "deliver[s] the best brands in reality television through a mix of acquired and original programming."

(Typed after watching "Control Room" (2004).)

It worked!

I stopped caring, I stopped stressing, and everything cleared up for me. I felt like I got my luck back and I was much happier.
I took an important step towards this. Yesterday, instead of going home and depriving myself of sleep by drowning in books and review sheets, I went to Virgin Megastore to buy a CD. I spent about an hour and a half looking around and I actually met and talked to a cool person that likes the same kind of music that I do. He saw that I was listening to black tape for a blue girl and he commented about it, then from there we started talking for quite some time. I have never had an experience like this, I think ever. I guess it gave me hope and I didn't feel so alone in the world (alone, not lonely). This departure from my routine of misery and monotony kind of "put the kick back in my step." I went to my class about 25 minutes late and didn't care, my teacher told me I got a 75 for my make-up test, which I gladly accepted because I was already rehearsing just in case he gave me a low score (since I thought I did pretty good and he was already giving me problems to make up the test). Later, I got in my car, drove to an empty floor in the parking garage, put on my Clan of Xymox CD and just started reading and studying for about two and a half hours. When it was time, I parked in the other garage, went to the class, and took the test. And I thought I did very good.

Lately I have been in this "funk" where I have been stressed non-stop and I felt like I was literally going crazy. Ever since hurricane Wilma, it seems like it has been test after assignment after assignment after test, and it just hasn't stopped. Last week I had to turn in some essays, this week I had two tests, next week I have to turn in a 12-page paper, and the week after that I have to turn in a project for Art History. But I just can't think about it monomaniacally like I was before, if not I go crazy. I need to give myself breaks and get out of the routine, and no, going to MySpace.com or watching "That's So Raven" is not taking a break.

...

[insert complaint about stress and procrastination here]

It has become so overwhemingly repetative, that I'm just not going to care anymore.
I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't studied yet. I'm just going to study before the class; I have about two-and-a-half hours. That should be enough time to study and skim over a few things. ...As opposed to spending the entire weekend monomaniacally focusing on the fact that I have to study for tests that are in three days, instead of actually studying.

In times of homework... my laptop becomes my enemy.

:(