Dilemma

dilemma #6-1189M.004

Death and Pizza

I woke up a few minutes ago from a dream where [user deleted] died.
In the dream at least, it was a horrible feeling that had set in.

In real life, I actually got a phone call that night from [user deleted]'s house.  I didn't get it of course, but no message was left.
In the dream however, this phone call gained a new level of meaning.  Was it his brother calling me to let me know of the news?  Or maybe it would have been his last phone call ever to me before his death?
Let me give you some background, when I got that phone call yesterday, I got a horrible feeling of uneasiness.  It was like this fear.  I am trying everything in my power to forget about this person, and just the thought of them makes me feel distraught.  I was feeling very anxious and uneasy for a few hours at work, until I just feel asleep.

It was 10:56pm in the dream.  It was late, but I called his grandmother's house anyway.  She was upset as usual and said she didn't want to speak to anyone, but I asked her if his brother was there [it seemed as she didn't know of the news as she was behaving as usual].  When I spoke to his brother, he was just crying nonstop, he was barely intelligible.  In this dream, I had no idea whether this death was something very recent or something that had happened in the last week.  I had no idea if I had missed the funeral, and I was wondering if the phone call I didn't get was him notifying me of the death and/or the funeral.  It was a very horrible feeling.  I felt like I had "lost my chance."  You know that feeling that people talk about where they are not speaking to someone and are in bad terms with this person, and then they die?  That's how I felt.  Like this person had died, and their last memory of me was that we were arguing and not speaking to eachother.  The last memory was something negative.  

Now let me go back to the beginning a little bit in the dream.  I was at my old house [pre-move] and my grandmother was there.  I had ordered pizza.  Strangely I ordered four individual slices.  I had also ordered chicken wings, but they forgot to give it to me.  It was some new weird kind of pizza.  I got like extra cheese or something.  I had also tried to eat three slices of bacon earlier, but they were undercooked, so I didn't eat them.

This does have some significance.  In my subconscious and in my dream world, I am still living in my old house.  My mind has still not adapted to this new place.  I think that is why I have still not adapted or feel 100% comfortable.  It is really hard for me to deal with change, and I think it's going to take a while for me to get settled in and used to the idea.  It's like my "spirit" or something still lives there.  Maybe that's how it works when people die, they get attached to a place and don't "move on" to the light.  My spirit needs to "move on" several streets down the road and to the left.

Also, not only did I wake up with a horrible feeling of someone "missing" and "what could of been."  I also woke up with a feeling of pizzalessness, and that I had someTHING missing.  For a split second I was looking for my pizza. :(

But I just wanted to put into the collective consciousness:

[user deleted], we have our differences, and it's hard for us to get along.  But when we do, it's a great thing.  We don't have to be joined at the hip.  But we also don't have to be so vitriolic to eachother.  Life is too short.  And if one of us dies, I really don't a negative thought to be the last one we have of eachother.  I apologize.

Now... I am too scared to actually do this in person, and this person really did hurt me.  So I don't know if I will actually talk to them in person.  But it's going to be in the back of my head...

Steampunk [and Other Cyberpunk Derivatives]

OK so Steampunk is becoming more popular and is now attempting to develop it's own music genre.

I am going to look into this...

Some bands: Abney Park, Vernian Process, new Resputina, Dr. Steel, The Clockwork Quartet, Unextraordinary Gentlemen

http://www.sepiachord.com/
http://www.dieselpunks.org/

I think Steampunk is to Goth what Cybergoth is to Industrial.

Why: Steampunk fits more into the Goth scene with it's Victorian aesthetic and sound, but it's name is more "Industrial" as it has to do with technology.
Cybergoth fits more into the Industrial scene [it pretty much is part of the Industrial scene] because of it's futuristic aesthetic and sound, but it's name has the word "goth" even though it has nothing to do with it [or at least have not found any indication otherwise].

List of Cyberpunk and It's Derivatives:

Cyberpunk
Biopunk/Ribofunk
Nanopunk

Post-Cyberpunk
Cyberprep
Cybergoth
 

Steampunk
Clockpunk
Dieselpunk
Springpunk

Sandalpunk
Stonepunk

???:
Timepunk
Bronzepunk
Candlepunk
Transistorpunk
Atomic punk
Elfpunk
Mythpunk
Splatterpunk
Spacepunk


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberpunk_derivatives
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Cyberpunk_derivatives
http://diewachen.com/2007/08/all-sorts-of-punk.html
http://davinciautomata.wordpress.com/
http://www.streettech.com/bcp/BCPgraf/Manifestos/cybergoth.htm

My Online Social Networking Sites and Other Profiles

MySpace
Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
Last.fm
LiveJournal

Blip.fm
Bebo
IMVU
Plaxo
Technorati
ustream
eBay
43 Things
Fanfou
Revver
FriendFeed
Wikipedia
LinkedIn
Classmates.com
Tagged
Tribe.net
Photobucket
Buzznet
Digg
StumbleUpon
Delicious
Orkut
Plazes
Yahoo Profiles
imeem
Hype Machine
Pandora

Yet to Create:
Qzone
Loopt
MSN Spaces


More Coming Eventually.... I know there's way more, that was off the top of my head.
Forums Coming Eventually...

[I need a break]

My Online Pseudonyms

Current:
mechanesthesia
Xvynn
miasmicnormalcy

Past:
avolitionist
melansthesia
psychascholia
psychosis86
apathy860

Transitional/One-Timers/Other:
memereceptacle
digital deicide
mekanos
logizomechanophobia

Past and Current Self | Manifesto Against "Selling Out"

After I move I have to really go through my stuff. I want to reconcile who I was in the past with who I am now. I am afraid of becoming too vacuous. I find here printed pages from Wikipedia about "Baudrillard" and "Post Structrualism" back from 2005. I would print out all this stuff about things I was interested in and read it later. Back in highschool I would keep a notebook and just write definitions of all the interesting words I would find. I am more internet-centric now, but I would like to bring these habits and these ideas into a digital medium. Firstly I want to compile all of the lists of words that I've made and type them out in one document [maybe use them for a word of the day]. I have notebooks with just lists and lists of things that I want to accomplish and my thoughts. I've translated this into microblogging my to-do's and any thoughts that come up, but I can't let the Twitter mindset constrain my ideas to 140 characters or less. I want to make a "master" to do list. I also find all of these drawing of outfits that I would like to design. I've almost forgotten my passion to be a fashion designer. I want to read more.

I need to get my head straightened out. I need a sabbatical. I nead a break from certain "peripheral stimuli" which are distracting me. Overall I am afraid I am losing myself. I always get like this when I start going out and making friends. I feel as if I'm diluting myself, selling out, dumbing myself down, in order to cater to "acquaintances" by creating this false image of gregariousness. I am a fucking antisocial, reclusive, antipathetic, cynical, sarcastic, heartless, cold, calculating person. I'm tired of feigning care for stupid, insignificant, vacuous, analphabetic, psittacistic regurgitations that logorrheically spout out of certain people incessantly like the Old Faithful in Yellowstone. People really don't get me, and I have very few opportunities where I can be myself. Not some "yes that anecdote about your cat is very interesting"/half-smile mask wearing.... I hate it. I just want people to leave me alone sometimes.

Life Stuff....

I'm anxious about school. I want to finish school already! I'm going into my 6th year. And after what happened to me last year, I'm a little bit scared that I'll never finish.

I'm also annoyed at all of my debt. Most of it isn't even my fault. That's what I get for helping people... But yeah, I've already gone through my 5 stages of grief, and I've already accepted it. I just want to get it over with already.

Future iPhone Wishlist

The iPhone 3Gs just came out, and I am very excited.

Although, for the iPhone to be perfect, there are a few more features that I would like from it:

• Thinner [just because]
• Video conferencing [Another camera lens facing you so you can have a video-phone chat while seeing the other person you are talking to on screen.  Can also be compatible with video chat sites like Stickam.]
• More GB! [I want to fit my entire music collection.  This was my dream when I first got my 80GB iPod.  I want something like 80 or 120 to start.]
• Internal credit/debit card and "loyalty cards" [Pay with your cell phone or swipe your "customer card" at the store.  This eliminates the need for a wallet. All you need is your phone and your car/house keys.  This has been used in Japan for a few years now.  Note: I'm not sure how this will work with your ID.  Can you use a valid/legal digital image of your license on your phone?]
• Start your car remotely from your iPhone.  There are already many mobile-to-car interactions.  An 18-year old African teen has developed a technology that turns off your car via SMS to curtail auto theft. Other systems for example "Connect2Car" or "Viper Smart Start"  start your car, start your A/C or heater, pop your trunk, roll up your windows, etc.  [Actually, it looks like you don't even need an iPhone, you just get this system.]

To be continued...
I want to add to this list things that already exist that I want to get for my iPhone and things I want my phone to do for me.

null

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[i love you too, please die]

/// I LOVE YOU
/// I LOVE KITTENS
/// I LOVE HUGS
/// I LOVE HAPPY
/// I LOVE LOVE

/// YAY

[...sequence completed]


The every-happy Pollyanna types. 

This kind of hyper-saccharine nuisance makes me cringe and makes me want to lock myself in my room and never come out.

It makes me hope that someone in their life would just die in order to promote a sense of sobriety in their lives.

My Life Feed

---> Misc. Web Activities

Feeds so far:

Last.fm Recently Listened Tracks

LiveJournal Blogs
MySpace Blogs
YouTube Favorite
YouTube Newly Uploaded Video

--->Posted to Twitter Feed

--->Posted to Ping.fm

Along with:

My own thoughts, activities, updates posted through:

Ping.fm Dashboard
Ping.fm Mobile
 

--->Posted to:

Twitter
Facebook
MySpace
AIM Status
 

I now have this goal to reconcile all of my web and personal activities as a record to ONE main source, Twitter.
[Also Facebook, but Twitter is more minimalistic.]
 

 

I tried to take a picture of my "cleaning supplies" earlier today and my phone camera got an error message.
I tried accessing my camera now, and it's fine...

Strange...

Hair Ideas/Wishlist

• Dyed black
• Highlights/Streaks in White and Silver
• Rat-tail on back right corner [Maybe with dye]
• Zebra or other pattern on back and sides
• Edward Scissorhands/New Wave Top Part
• Glitter [silver/black/white]
• Glow-in-the-dark [white]
• Cyber locks [one or a few]
• Antenae
• Bows [Hex bolt, Gothic, etc.]
• etc.

Misc./General Wishlist 03/26/09

• 7 vests
• iPhone  [new upcoming version 2.0/2.1]
  
  • Will completely change my life [mostly in an organizational sense]

Residence Wishlist

These are places where I would like to live or have properties at:

Local

• Downtown Miami


• Brickell


• Icon Brickell


• Four Seasons


• Icon Brickell


• Central Business District/Biscayne Wall


• Miami World Center


• Midtown


• North Beach


• South Beach


• Miami Lakes


• Downtown Kendall


• Coral Gables

Other

• New York


• Dubai


• Tokyo


• Las Vegas


• London


• Hawai'i

Gameboy/DS Wishlist

DSi
[Plays DS only]




Gameboy Micro
[Plays Gameboy Advance only]




Gameboy SP Classic NES Edition
[Plays Gameboy Advance/Gameboy Color/Gameboy]




Gameboy "Play it Loud!" Clear
[Plays Gameboy only]

My Icons/Symbols

Eyes
Barcodes
Microchips/Motherboards/Circuitry
RFID Chips
Hex Screws
Bacteriophage Virus
Radioactivity Symbol
Biohazard Symbol
Electroshock Symbol
Moon
Black/Siamese Cat
Ghost
Spirit
Spider
Crystal

When you think of an image, how do you see it? You are not seeing it with your eyes. How can you observe an image you conjured up in your head without your eyes? Are you seeing it with your third eye?

How does this differ from a "hallucination"?

I don't think science has really gotten into how the mind really works.

I've had a few hypnopompic hallucinations which looked clear as day.

How can one superimpose an object into everyday life? How is this done? How is this any similar than just "imagining" something.
Is this a "ghost object." Are you seeing something that WAS there at one point in time. Is reality collapsing and you are seeing the eventuality of another dimension? Is this the astral plane? How does one explain these "hallucinations."

These hallucinations happen very rarely and very briefly usually when I am in a paralyzed, hypnopompic state. I can't touch these objects to see if they are solid, so I cannot verify how "real" it is. Things look very vivid sometimes.

In reference to this, I got the idea of "hallucinating" a brand-new car. Is hallucinating a lot power of summoning objects into reality? But we don't know how to wield the power, so it just vanishes? Is this part of the 90% of the brain we don't use.

Is this why the mass population is constantly being mind controlled by the elite? To consistently make us forget about our inherent powers that lay dormant in us?

THE BRAIN WAS A DEVICE INSTALLED INTO OUR GENETICS MEANT FOR OBSCURING US FROM SENSING WHAT IS REALLY THERE...

LOOK DEEPER

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PURCHASED LEMON.
BROKEN OBJECT INVALID FOR APPRAISAL.
NOT MARKETABLE.

NO REFUNDS ALLOWED

Balloon

I feel asleep at work in the room in the dark.
I saw a clear balloon with some random logo in the corner of the ceiling, right in front of me. It kind of "went crazy" and got like bigger and smaller. Then it moved towards me as it just vanished into thin air. It was as clear as day.

[Happy Anniversary]
[Birthday]

[Happy Anniversary]

I am a skyscraper

I am a skyscraper
eternally reaching for the sky.

New floors are being built every day
construction never ceases.

This project will not fail for any environmental protests or economic factors.

I am growing exponentially.

Soon I will touch the sky.

Soon I will surpass the sky and move on into space.