Past and Current Self | Manifesto Against "Selling Out"

After I move I have to really go through my stuff. I want to reconcile who I was in the past with who I am now. I am afraid of becoming too vacuous. I find here printed pages from Wikipedia about "Baudrillard" and "Post Structrualism" back from 2005. I would print out all this stuff about things I was interested in and read it later. Back in highschool I would keep a notebook and just write definitions of all the interesting words I would find. I am more internet-centric now, but I would like to bring these habits and these ideas into a digital medium. Firstly I want to compile all of the lists of words that I've made and type them out in one document [maybe use them for a word of the day]. I have notebooks with just lists and lists of things that I want to accomplish and my thoughts. I've translated this into microblogging my to-do's and any thoughts that come up, but I can't let the Twitter mindset constrain my ideas to 140 characters or less. I want to make a "master" to do list. I also find all of these drawing of outfits that I would like to design. I've almost forgotten my passion to be a fashion designer. I want to read more.

I need to get my head straightened out. I need a sabbatical. I nead a break from certain "peripheral stimuli" which are distracting me. Overall I am afraid I am losing myself. I always get like this when I start going out and making friends. I feel as if I'm diluting myself, selling out, dumbing myself down, in order to cater to "acquaintances" by creating this false image of gregariousness. I am a fucking antisocial, reclusive, antipathetic, cynical, sarcastic, heartless, cold, calculating person. I'm tired of feigning care for stupid, insignificant, vacuous, analphabetic, psittacistic regurgitations that logorrheically spout out of certain people incessantly like the Old Faithful in Yellowstone. People really don't get me, and I have very few opportunities where I can be myself. Not some "yes that anecdote about your cat is very interesting"/half-smile mask wearing.... I hate it. I just want people to leave me alone sometimes.