Unpause

Hmmm.
I feel like I'm in "limbo" right now.  I don't even know how to explain it, I've gone through a lot of drastic changes lately.  Moving, finishing school, not working, not having money, the job search, my grandma in a nursing home, living at home with my parents again, etc.  I put all my force and energy to get a job in the career I wanted and majored in: Marketing... But after a month of a applying, I've heard from no one.  There is still a chance that someone may call from one of my more recent applications, I hope.  I am in the process of getting a job at a dental clinic.  It pays the minimum I set myself to accept and it's not in the field I want, but at least now I have that relief.  I will have money to pay off my bills without worry or stress and to get rid of some of my debt.  Originally I wanted to stick with this job until I found a new one which I wanted, but now I'm thinking on another strategy.  Maybe the trouble I've gone through is a sign.  It's no fluke that I'm here in Gainesville.  I really didn't want to move here, but I finally settled to be here for a year or two or more to satisfy my parents who missed me.  And honestly, my family needs my help.  From what I see, all the Marketing jobs are in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale/West Palm Beach metropolitan area, and there are only about a dozen here in the mid-size town of Gainesville.  I've poured every ounce of energy into applying, obsessively perfecting my cover letters and resumes, and I can't any more.  I'm starting to think there's a reason to all of this.  During the beginning of my job search, instead of actually applying, I found myself doing research on UF, the local university, and seeing what I needed to do a Master's.  I found out UF is one of the top 100 graduate business schools in the world.  They also have a program which you can finish within a year.  And from what I see, a lot of companies will take you if you have a Master's in lieu of experience.  Also, we're still in a recession [or coming out of one, depending on your sources], and during a recession people tend to focus on education in lieu of the bad job market.  I'm just going to settle with the job at the dental clinic that I'm getting.  Pay off debt.  Study for and pass the GMAT.  Then begin to apply to UF.  I can find some part-time jobs myself or through the school that are flexible.  And I can also save up money for my bills during the time I'm in school.  Also, I need to get out of the house and see what's around this town.  Maybe I can make some friends and find some nice "hangouts."  I would like to check out the local goth club.  I really haven't given this place a chance yet.  After I graduate, I want to focus on getting a good job here in Gainesville, making good money, gaining experience, paying off all my debts, and saving up.  During that time I want to also focus on getting myself certifications: Certified MBA, Certified Manager, Certified Marketer, etc.  After that, I'm pretty much done with degrees and certifications, unless I decide to get a DBA.  With the money I save up, I can begin to make my life in Miami, which is where I want to be.  With the help of the career office, I can try and land a good job in Miami or Ft. Lauderdale.  My dream is to have a condo in Downtown Miami.  Right now I'm conflicted in wanting to spend time with my family and wanting to live my life alone in Miami.  My wish is to make enough money so that I can help my parents get a nice house in Broward or something so they can be close to me.  I can live in a center of a metropolis, and they can live in a manufactured suburb close by.  I can even stay over on weekends if I want to.  The thing is not to have any debt.

Interspersed through all of this, it is absolutely critical that I make a concerted effort towards "self-actualization."  I tend to monomaniacally obsess over things like school, career, and finances, but I completely disregard everything else.  I want to exercise, be healthy, lose weight, and work on myself.  I want to read.  I want to finally get around to reading all the books I have, and actively begin to read new books on a frequent basis.  I want to constantly discover new music.  I want to play video games, including co-op with my sister or a friend.  Some games I have just sitting here and I haven't even played them.  I want to maybe learn a new language.  I want to design and build websites and smartphone apps.  I want to organize all my notes, to-do lists, goals, notebooks, papers, etc. I have into a virtual and physical filing cabinet and into solid projects that I complete.  I want to organize my digital online life and reconcile it with my physical one.  I want to focus on my [sleeping] dreams, keep a dream journal, and develop lucid dreaming and astral projection.  I want to go to some "psychic" workshops and learn reiki and maybe some other techniques.  I want to go to all kinds of workshops in anything I'm interested in.  I want to actively watch movies, in theatres, on Netflix/Blockbuster, On Demand, on TV, etc.  I want to create art.  I want to create music.  Maybe I could write a book one day.   I want to continue to develop my personal life philosophy, reality, and belief system.  I want to lose myself in something completely, whether a video game, a conspiracy theory, music, etc.  I want to design and create clothing and have my own store, which is probably one of my highest dreams.  I want to start an online business.  I want to DJ.  I want to take dance lessons.  I want to own a nightclub.  I want to develop my own fashion sense which I've had floating around in my head since age 12, but never actualized due to weight issues.  I want to be me...

It's all these things that I want to actively focus on which make me happy.  And I don't want it to be something that I just casually brush by with alpha waves of brain functioning.  A lot of things that I have been seeing have been telling me to focus on what makes me happy and to align myself with that.  Honestly, I initially wanted to go to art school and become a fashion designer.  But my decision, which I still stand by, was to study business because I wanted to make more money.  Not just more money, but enough money to support myself and to be able to pay my bills, which an art school degree might not be able to support.  I was going to study business first, then go back to art school later on...  I was going to save up money from my "generic cubical job" to start a clothing business on the side as well as a few other businesses.  If they became successful, I would quit my "day job" and focus full time on my businesses.  Well, I've graduated, and so far, I have done nothing towards that and I am going further into "business school" by doing my Master's.  Luckily, within the realm of business, I found that I like Marketing, and that Marketing, as well as Entrepreneurship which I studied, is probably going to help me the most in starting my own business.  It is critical that I hold my goals and dreams intact and not forget about them as I go further into academia and later into the depths of the corporate world.  I can't see these as mutually exclusive, because I think it's a smart choice.  If I get a good-paying career, I can use that money to fund my business.  Life is full of options.  There is always the time after work and weekends.  All I need to do is "plant the seed."  As I type this, I could actually be setting up a "rough draft" website for one of these businesses.  And I can actually go ahead and start it.  I don't have to start out with my own clothes.  I've always said I would have a site where I put products made from other people, and I slowly start introducing my own products.  The only thing I need honestly is money, time, and knowledge.  I just have to find out the manufacturers that make the things I want to sell and actually talk to them!  And if they don't have drop shipping, I might have to actually buy in bulk and store it.  For that I need money, which I intend to save with my "good corporate job."  That last thing is how do I design something and have someone else make it, and then get it manufactured on a larger scale?  I know fashion designers don't actually sew the clothes themselves, they just draw something on a piece of paper.  I still need to get the basic knowledge though...  I just need that one question answered...  But I still would like to at least get a certificate in fashion design.  Even if it's from an online school or a local college.  I could even take "Fashion Design 101" by itself if I want.

All and all, my ultimate goal is not to work at all.  I want to have my investments, savings, real estate, and businesses [run by managers] which all serve as my sources of income.  I want the option to escape from the slavery of debt and bills.  I want my income to cover at least my basic expenses and I only work if I want to, something part time and especially at night. I want to not have to leave my house for anything.  I want my groceries and everything delivered to my house.  I will pay everything, conduct business, resolve things online or by phone. I want to only go out if I want to for leisure.

I really need to "unpause" my life and get on with it, I'm not getting any younger.

[Writing my thoughts out like this is really cathartic and helps me organize what's going through my head, I should do it more often.]