I just spent two hours driving. I now know where Churchills Pub is (where Sweat Records is at temporarily) and where the Swap Shop is (where there is a drive-in theatre). I wanted to look for two more places, but I had to be back before six, which was when I had to pick up my sister. It felt really great, I was the whole time just driving and listening to my Dopplereffekt CD, which I got in the mail today.
:)
Friday, December 16, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The War on Iraq Was Just Another Reality TV Show
(Posted on my MySpace blog today at 5:10am)
Reality television became increasingly popular with the advent of the new millennium. By 2002-2003 it seemed like it had reached its climax, and different TV channels jumped on the trend, releasing shows such as "Big Brother," "America's Next Top Model," and "The Osbournes," to name a few. MTV was even already planning to release a Reality TV Movie, "The Real Cancun." Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox and Fox News, noticed he was losing ratings, and that attempts at reality TV shows like "Temptation Island" weren't working. So he devised a scheme to gain more ratings and to be at the top of the reality TV trend. He talked to George Bush, which owed him a favor (since Murdoch used all of his media outlets to brainwash the masses into electing him), about a way that he can work around this dilemma. Thus, "The War on Iraq" premiered on U.S. TV news stations all around the nation. All of the U.S. consumption units had their eyes glued on the news channels, with Fox News leading the way in ratings.
Although, "The War on Iraq" has lost its ratings recently since viewers have become disinterested in the show. But to combat this, Fox launched the "Fox Reality" Channel in May 2005, which "deliver[s] the best brands in reality television through a mix of acquired and original programming."
(Typed after watching "Control Room" (2004).)
Reality television became increasingly popular with the advent of the new millennium. By 2002-2003 it seemed like it had reached its climax, and different TV channels jumped on the trend, releasing shows such as "Big Brother," "America's Next Top Model," and "The Osbournes," to name a few. MTV was even already planning to release a Reality TV Movie, "The Real Cancun." Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox and Fox News, noticed he was losing ratings, and that attempts at reality TV shows like "Temptation Island" weren't working. So he devised a scheme to gain more ratings and to be at the top of the reality TV trend. He talked to George Bush, which owed him a favor (since Murdoch used all of his media outlets to brainwash the masses into electing him), about a way that he can work around this dilemma. Thus, "The War on Iraq" premiered on U.S. TV news stations all around the nation. All of the U.S. consumption units had their eyes glued on the news channels, with Fox News leading the way in ratings.
Although, "The War on Iraq" has lost its ratings recently since viewers have become disinterested in the show. But to combat this, Fox launched the "Fox Reality" Channel in May 2005, which "deliver[s] the best brands in reality television through a mix of acquired and original programming."
(Typed after watching "Control Room" (2004).)
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
It worked!
I stopped caring, I stopped stressing, and everything cleared up for me. I felt like I got my luck back and I was much happier.
I took an important step towards this. Yesterday, instead of going home and depriving myself of sleep by drowning in books and review sheets, I went to Virgin Megastore to buy a CD. I spent about an hour and a half looking around and I actually met and talked to a cool person that likes the same kind of music that I do. He saw that I was listening to black tape for a blue girl and he commented about it, then from there we started talking for quite some time. I have never had an experience like this, I think ever. I guess it gave me hope and I didn't feel so alone in the world (alone, not lonely). This departure from my routine of misery and monotony kind of "put the kick back in my step." I went to my class about 25 minutes late and didn't care, my teacher told me I got a 75 for my make-up test, which I gladly accepted because I was already rehearsing just in case he gave me a low score (since I thought I did pretty good and he was already giving me problems to make up the test). Later, I got in my car, drove to an empty floor in the parking garage, put on my Clan of Xymox CD and just started reading and studying for about two and a half hours. When it was time, I parked in the other garage, went to the class, and took the test. And I thought I did very good.
Lately I have been in this "funk" where I have been stressed non-stop and I felt like I was literally going crazy. Ever since hurricane Wilma, it seems like it has been test after assignment after assignment after test, and it just hasn't stopped. Last week I had to turn in some essays, this week I had two tests, next week I have to turn in a 12-page paper, and the week after that I have to turn in a project for Art History. But I just can't think about it monomaniacally like I was before, if not I go crazy. I need to give myself breaks and get out of the routine, and no, going to MySpace.com or watching "That's So Raven" is not taking a break.
I stopped caring, I stopped stressing, and everything cleared up for me. I felt like I got my luck back and I was much happier.
I took an important step towards this. Yesterday, instead of going home and depriving myself of sleep by drowning in books and review sheets, I went to Virgin Megastore to buy a CD. I spent about an hour and a half looking around and I actually met and talked to a cool person that likes the same kind of music that I do. He saw that I was listening to black tape for a blue girl and he commented about it, then from there we started talking for quite some time. I have never had an experience like this, I think ever. I guess it gave me hope and I didn't feel so alone in the world (alone, not lonely). This departure from my routine of misery and monotony kind of "put the kick back in my step." I went to my class about 25 minutes late and didn't care, my teacher told me I got a 75 for my make-up test, which I gladly accepted because I was already rehearsing just in case he gave me a low score (since I thought I did pretty good and he was already giving me problems to make up the test). Later, I got in my car, drove to an empty floor in the parking garage, put on my Clan of Xymox CD and just started reading and studying for about two and a half hours. When it was time, I parked in the other garage, went to the class, and took the test. And I thought I did very good.
Lately I have been in this "funk" where I have been stressed non-stop and I felt like I was literally going crazy. Ever since hurricane Wilma, it seems like it has been test after assignment after assignment after test, and it just hasn't stopped. Last week I had to turn in some essays, this week I had two tests, next week I have to turn in a 12-page paper, and the week after that I have to turn in a project for Art History. But I just can't think about it monomaniacally like I was before, if not I go crazy. I need to give myself breaks and get out of the routine, and no, going to MySpace.com or watching "That's So Raven" is not taking a break.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
...
[insert complaint about stress and procrastination here]
It has become so overwhemingly repetative, that I'm just not going to care anymore.
I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't studied yet. I'm just going to study before the class; I have about two-and-a-half hours. That should be enough time to study and skim over a few things. ...As opposed to spending the entire weekend monomaniacally focusing on the fact that I have to study for tests that are in three days, instead of actually studying.
It has become so overwhemingly repetative, that I'm just not going to care anymore.
I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't studied yet. I'm just going to study before the class; I have about two-and-a-half hours. That should be enough time to study and skim over a few things. ...As opposed to spending the entire weekend monomaniacally focusing on the fact that I have to study for tests that are in three days, instead of actually studying.
Monday, November 7, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Semeiotics
I'm not going to think of things as signs anymore. At first, it could be a little fun, and serve as a means for motivation. I saw a painting that I was supposed to be writing a paper on in this site that posted random livejournal pictures. I even had the paper minimized at the time:
I took it as a sign to finish writing it.
Yesterday, I took a break from writing my paper on Socrates to watch TV, but my break was getting a little too long. Then, a Subway commercial came on which featured Socrates. I took it as a sign to finish doing my paper.
But when the tables turn, it's just unfair and causes too much stress. I did all I could to in the past days finish my Socrates paper, I stayed up all night, I barely got any sleep, I was working for three or four days straight, and I missed two days of school just to finish it. I had a test today for Computers. I put my alarm specifically and double-checked it. But I didn't wake up, and I never heard my alarm. My mom didn't hear it either. I don't know what happened, but I missed my test, and now I don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully I can find a way to get a doctor's note. Anyways, I'm not going to take this as any kind of sign of anything negative, because it's just unfair since I did my best and there was really nothing I could have done. I needed to get at least some sleep, if not I would have probably had an anxiety attack, and I couldn't sleep any earlier since I still hadn't finished my paper.
So as of now, I'm going to stay positive and ignore it. I'm going to try to talk to my teacher and try to get a doctors note so I can make up the test. If I look at the positive side, now I have more time to study for it, where before I was just going to "wing it."
I took it as a sign to finish writing it.
Yesterday, I took a break from writing my paper on Socrates to watch TV, but my break was getting a little too long. Then, a Subway commercial came on which featured Socrates. I took it as a sign to finish doing my paper.
But when the tables turn, it's just unfair and causes too much stress. I did all I could to in the past days finish my Socrates paper, I stayed up all night, I barely got any sleep, I was working for three or four days straight, and I missed two days of school just to finish it. I had a test today for Computers. I put my alarm specifically and double-checked it. But I didn't wake up, and I never heard my alarm. My mom didn't hear it either. I don't know what happened, but I missed my test, and now I don't know what I'm going to do. Hopefully I can find a way to get a doctor's note. Anyways, I'm not going to take this as any kind of sign of anything negative, because it's just unfair since I did my best and there was really nothing I could have done. I needed to get at least some sleep, if not I would have probably had an anxiety attack, and I couldn't sleep any earlier since I still hadn't finished my paper.
So as of now, I'm going to stay positive and ignore it. I'm going to try to talk to my teacher and try to get a doctors note so I can make up the test. If I look at the positive side, now I have more time to study for it, where before I was just going to "wing it."
Friday, September 30, 2005
Dream
I had a horrible dream.
I dreamt that it was Sunday, and I hadn't done anything to study for my two upcoming tests, and my aunt was coming over with my cousins and her family to our house. I got so mad that my parents didn't tell me anything. I started screaming at them at the top of my lungs, saying why didn't they tell me anything, that now I'm going to fail my classes since I can't study with them there, and that I'll lose my scholarship and have to drop out of college. I think I even started hitting my mom.
Whenever my cousins are there I can't do anything because they are always loud and rowdy and they want all of the attention for themselves. Then I noticed that my aunt and her family already came, so I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom. Like always, my cousins started knocking on the door, trying to open it. But I just ignored them.
I felt horrible, like running away or killing myself.
I took this as a bad omen, telling me that I should get on top of everything. Yesterday I wasted my entire day changing around the html in my profile. I can't waste my days, because if I do, I will fail my tests, I haven't studied or read anything. And I need to do it today, because I don't know what is going to happen later that might prohibit me from studying. When I looked at my cell phone, I had one missed call. It was my aunt. Maybe the dream was a warning of something that will happen, but if I plan everything the right way, I won't have to react in the way I did in the dream, and there wouldn't be any consequences.
I dreamt that it was Sunday, and I hadn't done anything to study for my two upcoming tests, and my aunt was coming over with my cousins and her family to our house. I got so mad that my parents didn't tell me anything. I started screaming at them at the top of my lungs, saying why didn't they tell me anything, that now I'm going to fail my classes since I can't study with them there, and that I'll lose my scholarship and have to drop out of college. I think I even started hitting my mom.
Whenever my cousins are there I can't do anything because they are always loud and rowdy and they want all of the attention for themselves. Then I noticed that my aunt and her family already came, so I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom. Like always, my cousins started knocking on the door, trying to open it. But I just ignored them.
I felt horrible, like running away or killing myself.
I took this as a bad omen, telling me that I should get on top of everything. Yesterday I wasted my entire day changing around the html in my profile. I can't waste my days, because if I do, I will fail my tests, I haven't studied or read anything. And I need to do it today, because I don't know what is going to happen later that might prohibit me from studying. When I looked at my cell phone, I had one missed call. It was my aunt. Maybe the dream was a warning of something that will happen, but if I plan everything the right way, I won't have to react in the way I did in the dream, and there wouldn't be any consequences.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Time of Your Life
I am so... funny.
Well, I woke up on Saturday at 8p in the evening, I had stayed up all night the night before, partly because I came back from going out at 2a and did stuff online until around 8a.
So on Saturday, I woke up determined to finish what I didn't do the past days, especially since I slept through most of that day.
Well, as usual, I did nothing. Actually, I did read about a page, and I think I answered like three questions.
I kept staying up, not doing anything, until around 1p or 2p. Then my sister said my aunt planned to go to the movies with us, and, even though I had been up all day, I said okay.
So, I stayed up since 8p Saturday, until now, didn't do anything, and instead went out to the movies to see "Corpse Bride" and to eat at T.G.I.F. Fridays.
It was a good day.
But I have to say "Corpse Bride" was lacking. It was a bit cheesy at times, and it was way too short. It also seemed to lack that classic Burton "je ne sais quois," as well as any "care" and "detail." Well, I did notice there was a reference to Tim Burton's first short claymation film "Vincent." The father character calls Victor "Vincent" by mistake. Elfman's music was a bit bland, nothing like his earlier Beetlejuice, Scissorhands, and Nightmare works. I would have hoped he would return to that "sound" for this movie, but it was just jejune, like any other generic hollywood score.
Well, I woke up on Saturday at 8p in the evening, I had stayed up all night the night before, partly because I came back from going out at 2a and did stuff online until around 8a.
So on Saturday, I woke up determined to finish what I didn't do the past days, especially since I slept through most of that day.
Well, as usual, I did nothing. Actually, I did read about a page, and I think I answered like three questions.
I kept staying up, not doing anything, until around 1p or 2p. Then my sister said my aunt planned to go to the movies with us, and, even though I had been up all day, I said okay.
So, I stayed up since 8p Saturday, until now, didn't do anything, and instead went out to the movies to see "Corpse Bride" and to eat at T.G.I.F. Fridays.
It was a good day.
But I have to say "Corpse Bride" was lacking. It was a bit cheesy at times, and it was way too short. It also seemed to lack that classic Burton "je ne sais quois," as well as any "care" and "detail." Well, I did notice there was a reference to Tim Burton's first short claymation film "Vincent." The father character calls Victor "Vincent" by mistake. Elfman's music was a bit bland, nothing like his earlier Beetlejuice, Scissorhands, and Nightmare works. I would have hoped he would return to that "sound" for this movie, but it was just jejune, like any other generic hollywood score.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Epiphany
I was talking with my aunt today, about many things.
She has some problems in her life that are really getting in the way, and she's trying to take steps to fix it.
She keeps going back, but she's trying different strategies to stop.
She said that she's tired of it, and she just wants to get that out of the way, live her life, and accomplish her goals.
And I realized I have a similar problem.
I almost felt like a hypocrite, giving her advice.
There are some problems I have in my way that are blocking me from achieving my goals.
But I haven't taken any steps towards removing it, and I haven't really tried.
If I don't try, I can never actually get anything done.
It's like rolling a die, there is a chance you may win, but if you don't roll it, there is no chance at all.
So I have to roll my die, try, and see what happens.
If it's unsuccessful, I'll just have to roll it again, maybe using a different strategy, until I actually fix my problems.
So I need to try and I need to have motivation.
She has some problems in her life that are really getting in the way, and she's trying to take steps to fix it.
She keeps going back, but she's trying different strategies to stop.
She said that she's tired of it, and she just wants to get that out of the way, live her life, and accomplish her goals.
And I realized I have a similar problem.
I almost felt like a hypocrite, giving her advice.
There are some problems I have in my way that are blocking me from achieving my goals.
But I haven't taken any steps towards removing it, and I haven't really tried.
If I don't try, I can never actually get anything done.
It's like rolling a die, there is a chance you may win, but if you don't roll it, there is no chance at all.
So I have to roll my die, try, and see what happens.
If it's unsuccessful, I'll just have to roll it again, maybe using a different strategy, until I actually fix my problems.
So I need to try and I need to have motivation.
My life is uninteresting.
So am I.
But, who cares?
I just need to update and renovate my life.
I've always wanted to, I'm just too lazy and I procrastinate too much.
I'm putting off my life 'til tomorrow, and time is running out.
I have problems...
But at least I don't have problems, so I have no excuse.
...I need a more personal journal. So I won't have to worry about being pretentious...
I know I can set it as "private," but who knows?
Do I even read this? I don't think I've ever read a past entry.
Maybe not enough time has passed.
I can't even get materialism down, how will I ever get to personality, organization, philosophy, and spirituality?
Self-actualization sucks. Maybe I've taken some steps towards it with art and music... Just "discovering" new things... But it would be nice if some of those things would be actual knowledge of things. I would like to read books, but it's so arduous. And it's not like I take any steps towards it.
Fuck emo jokes.
This journal is for me, I have the right to complain about or point out whatever my current self decides is wrong with my life.
I had plans to read some Accounting chapter today. That's going great... Maybe I'll do it now.
So many things I want to do and I can't even do the obligatory things.
What ever happened to my self a few years ago? That self was more organized and he was great in time management. He was shy, but he didn't mind talking to others. That was a nice person. Whatever happened to him?
He would be helpful at this time.
Maybe I'll blame it on some karmic, universal thing. That seems the easiest.
Hmm.. I'm usually Pollyannaish about everything.. What's the bright side about procrastinating my life away?
I guess I can experience things now, instead of putting them off and maybe not being able to experience them because of lack of time or because they've passed. Now, when I say "experience things," that pretty much consists of watching TV shows and typing about something in a forum.
That's all my life has become lately. All I do is go back and forth from two forums and MySpace, looking for new posts or messages.
Now, I know I won't do anything as drastic as deleting it, but it would be nice to stop it. I'm literally addicted to it. I need to stop.
That's all my life has consisted of recently. It is pathetic.
It all started when I got my laptop about half a year ago. It's right there in my room, and I can access the internet whenever I want. I was never used to that. I used to have to go downstairs to use the computer and I had to worry about parents, sleep, time, etc.
Done.
So am I.
But, who cares?
I just need to update and renovate my life.
I've always wanted to, I'm just too lazy and I procrastinate too much.
I'm putting off my life 'til tomorrow, and time is running out.
I have problems...
But at least I don't have problems, so I have no excuse.
...I need a more personal journal. So I won't have to worry about being pretentious...
I know I can set it as "private," but who knows?
Do I even read this? I don't think I've ever read a past entry.
Maybe not enough time has passed.
I can't even get materialism down, how will I ever get to personality, organization, philosophy, and spirituality?
Self-actualization sucks. Maybe I've taken some steps towards it with art and music... Just "discovering" new things... But it would be nice if some of those things would be actual knowledge of things. I would like to read books, but it's so arduous. And it's not like I take any steps towards it.
Fuck emo jokes.
This journal is for me, I have the right to complain about or point out whatever my current self decides is wrong with my life.
I had plans to read some Accounting chapter today. That's going great... Maybe I'll do it now.
So many things I want to do and I can't even do the obligatory things.
What ever happened to my self a few years ago? That self was more organized and he was great in time management. He was shy, but he didn't mind talking to others. That was a nice person. Whatever happened to him?
He would be helpful at this time.
Maybe I'll blame it on some karmic, universal thing. That seems the easiest.
Hmm.. I'm usually Pollyannaish about everything.. What's the bright side about procrastinating my life away?
I guess I can experience things now, instead of putting them off and maybe not being able to experience them because of lack of time or because they've passed. Now, when I say "experience things," that pretty much consists of watching TV shows and typing about something in a forum.
That's all my life has become lately. All I do is go back and forth from two forums and MySpace, looking for new posts or messages.
Now, I know I won't do anything as drastic as deleting it, but it would be nice to stop it. I'm literally addicted to it. I need to stop.
That's all my life has consisted of recently. It is pathetic.
It all started when I got my laptop about half a year ago. It's right there in my room, and I can access the internet whenever I want. I was never used to that. I used to have to go downstairs to use the computer and I had to worry about parents, sleep, time, etc.
Done.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Somnilexia
Why is it that I'm "smarter" when I'm more sleep-depraved?
Words come to me easily, I have a better vocabulary, I can "think faster," and I'm a smidgen more eloquent.
Not only that, I'm like a different person. I'm not as impulsive or defensive, and I'm a bit more tactful.
I'm more creative as well, and my mind seems more "open." Things seem to come more easily to me.
Words come to me easily, I have a better vocabulary, I can "think faster," and I'm a smidgen more eloquent.
Not only that, I'm like a different person. I'm not as impulsive or defensive, and I'm a bit more tactful.
I'm more creative as well, and my mind seems more "open." Things seem to come more easily to me.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Futurism
Sometimes I can't stand certain aspects of contemporary life. I don't know whether modernity or postmodernity is to blame, but all of this bureaucracy, monotony, complication, and over-specialization is just overwhelming at times. I try to accept it, perversely, by thinking of it as a mild version of Orwell's "1984."
Today I called my school and asked if they had some kind of career counselor I can talk to and ask general questions about careers. She told me that first I have to come to the office and "sign up for their services," which I think is like $20. I wasn't sure if I had already payed it before, so I asked her if I would be in their system. To me it just seems like preposterous red tape and a redundant extra step. Why would I need to sign up and pay $20 just to ask a few simple questions?
Well, I called because I was contemplating my future and career, and I just would like to talk to someone and ask questions.
I like business. The entrepreneurial side at least. But all of the monotony and bureaucracy of it is just overwhelming. I don't want to become an accountant or a manager of a bank. I just want to own my own business (not someone else's), something that provides a unique service or product, and where all of the red tape is secondary.
I really like art. I see myself as an artist in many ways. But art just doesn't make money, unless you are exceedingly lucky and you find a way to reprogram society's trends (at least for a few minutes). Or, if you don't mind being the myrmidon of every moment's collective consciousness. I have always been an "idea person," and owning a business will probably give me the wherewithal to bring these ideas into fruition. Combining business with art is probably the only way I can make money without selling my creative soul to society's whims and without playing the artist lottery and waiting to "hit it big."
Combining business with art is the unison of the left brain and the right brain, entropy with order, yin and yang. Art is creative, innovative, inspiring, and imaginative and business thrives on those aspects to become successful, but organizes it into a system.
I think it's just perfect for me. I'm anal, obsessive-compulsive, and want everything perfect and in order, but at the same time I'm a bit eccentric, I enjoy chaos of sorts, and I enjoy any novel, creative thing that comes my way.
We have recently seen different celebrities commingling the art world with the business world. Many popular musicians, models, and actors have recently pursued entrepreneurial endeavors, such as opening up their own line of clothing or fragrances, or just launching their own company in general. I may utilize these people as role models for my cause.
I can't imagine doing anything else. I don't want to be a psychiatrist anymore because I can't imagine myself listening to other people's problems everyday and shoving the newest pill down their throat. I've lost some of my interest in video games, and found that that kind of creativity can be utilized in anything (thinking of new characters, "levels," "puzzles," etc.). Those are pretty much the only professions I have given much thought to, other than wanting to become a magician when I was eight...
What I want to do the most is fashion design. But, like I was saying, I don't want to "sell my creative soul" to whatever fun, new, trendy company that hires me; I want to own my own ideas. So, I can open up my own company and sell my own merchandise. I also want to open up a discothèque and a restaurant with a unique theme (or several discothèques and restaurants). I'm just always getting different ideas that are either related to art or business. (Also, I get some ideas about architecture, but rather than pursuing a four-year degree, I'd rather hire the latest postmodern architect to work off some of my ideas for any buildings I would want to house my companies.)
Someone once said "If you're happy with your job, you will never work a day in your life." That is true, if you're doing something you like, it would be like getting paid for a hobby or skill you enjoy doing. This is my plan. I have my college education to fall back on, and I'm seeing if I could get my Real Estate license and do that on the side (even though it's something I'm not really interested in). Maybe I can then save up and take fashion design and other classes in an art school. Afterwards, I could get a government loan and work either in real estate or slave away in a generic, mediocre business job and save up to start a business.
Today I called my school and asked if they had some kind of career counselor I can talk to and ask general questions about careers. She told me that first I have to come to the office and "sign up for their services," which I think is like $20. I wasn't sure if I had already payed it before, so I asked her if I would be in their system. To me it just seems like preposterous red tape and a redundant extra step. Why would I need to sign up and pay $20 just to ask a few simple questions?
Well, I called because I was contemplating my future and career, and I just would like to talk to someone and ask questions.
I like business. The entrepreneurial side at least. But all of the monotony and bureaucracy of it is just overwhelming. I don't want to become an accountant or a manager of a bank. I just want to own my own business (not someone else's), something that provides a unique service or product, and where all of the red tape is secondary.
I really like art. I see myself as an artist in many ways. But art just doesn't make money, unless you are exceedingly lucky and you find a way to reprogram society's trends (at least for a few minutes). Or, if you don't mind being the myrmidon of every moment's collective consciousness. I have always been an "idea person," and owning a business will probably give me the wherewithal to bring these ideas into fruition. Combining business with art is probably the only way I can make money without selling my creative soul to society's whims and without playing the artist lottery and waiting to "hit it big."
Combining business with art is the unison of the left brain and the right brain, entropy with order, yin and yang. Art is creative, innovative, inspiring, and imaginative and business thrives on those aspects to become successful, but organizes it into a system.
I think it's just perfect for me. I'm anal, obsessive-compulsive, and want everything perfect and in order, but at the same time I'm a bit eccentric, I enjoy chaos of sorts, and I enjoy any novel, creative thing that comes my way.
We have recently seen different celebrities commingling the art world with the business world. Many popular musicians, models, and actors have recently pursued entrepreneurial endeavors, such as opening up their own line of clothing or fragrances, or just launching their own company in general. I may utilize these people as role models for my cause.
I can't imagine doing anything else. I don't want to be a psychiatrist anymore because I can't imagine myself listening to other people's problems everyday and shoving the newest pill down their throat. I've lost some of my interest in video games, and found that that kind of creativity can be utilized in anything (thinking of new characters, "levels," "puzzles," etc.). Those are pretty much the only professions I have given much thought to, other than wanting to become a magician when I was eight...
What I want to do the most is fashion design. But, like I was saying, I don't want to "sell my creative soul" to whatever fun, new, trendy company that hires me; I want to own my own ideas. So, I can open up my own company and sell my own merchandise. I also want to open up a discothèque and a restaurant with a unique theme (or several discothèques and restaurants). I'm just always getting different ideas that are either related to art or business. (Also, I get some ideas about architecture, but rather than pursuing a four-year degree, I'd rather hire the latest postmodern architect to work off some of my ideas for any buildings I would want to house my companies.)
Someone once said "If you're happy with your job, you will never work a day in your life." That is true, if you're doing something you like, it would be like getting paid for a hobby or skill you enjoy doing. This is my plan. I have my college education to fall back on, and I'm seeing if I could get my Real Estate license and do that on the side (even though it's something I'm not really interested in). Maybe I can then save up and take fashion design and other classes in an art school. Afterwards, I could get a government loan and work either in real estate or slave away in a generic, mediocre business job and save up to start a business.
Monday, September 12, 2005
HW2
I think I have an irrational fear of doing homework.
I had a four day weekend and I did nothing. I decided to stay up today and drink a lot of caffeine, and I did nothing.
Now it's time for school, and I didn't do anything. I just opened up my word document, minimized it, and did something else.
Good thing nothing is actually due today. But there are things that are due tomorrow. I hope I at least get that done.
I need a therapist. But they are expensive and they are just going to sit there and have me say private things to them that I'm uncomfortable talking about. Then I'll just feel stupid about myself. And it's probably not even that big of a deal.
I had a four day weekend and I did nothing. I decided to stay up today and drink a lot of caffeine, and I did nothing.
Now it's time for school, and I didn't do anything. I just opened up my word document, minimized it, and did something else.
Good thing nothing is actually due today. But there are things that are due tomorrow. I hope I at least get that done.
I need a therapist. But they are expensive and they are just going to sit there and have me say private things to them that I'm uncomfortable talking about. Then I'll just feel stupid about myself. And it's probably not even that big of a deal.
HW
I need to start thinking about Sabrina and Moesha whenever I can't get myself to do my homework.
They both have a lot of problems in their lives, and they still find time to do all of their college work.
Sabrina even has a job and writes for her school newspaper. I'm not sure about Moesha's after-school activities (I have only seen a few of her college episodes).
If they can do it, I can do it too.
Anyways, I don't work, I don't do anything after-school, I don't have any friends, and I rarely have any life problems.
Moesha and Sabrina have these things and they still find time to study, do their homework, and get good grades.
So I have no excuse whatsoever.
Also, try to do it ahead of time. There are several things that can happen, that have happened before, on the last day you have to do homework: (a) Lucy can come with one of her "surprise visits" with Tony and Donny, (b) mom could have one of her "cleaning paroxysms," (c) you can get an opportunity to go out with Mirita, (d) you could get sick or just feel bad, (e) you could oversleep, (f) one of your e-friends could have a "dilemma," or (z) anything that is impromptu and would deter you from doing your homework can happen (like an emergency). One example was this weekend when Dyna had her kittens; it really took away a lot of your time. If you would do your homework ahead of time you won't have to worry if any of these things happen. So keep that in mind.
They both have a lot of problems in their lives, and they still find time to do all of their college work.
Sabrina even has a job and writes for her school newspaper. I'm not sure about Moesha's after-school activities (I have only seen a few of her college episodes).
If they can do it, I can do it too.
Anyways, I don't work, I don't do anything after-school, I don't have any friends, and I rarely have any life problems.
Moesha and Sabrina have these things and they still find time to study, do their homework, and get good grades.
So I have no excuse whatsoever.
Also, try to do it ahead of time. There are several things that can happen, that have happened before, on the last day you have to do homework: (a) Lucy can come with one of her "surprise visits" with Tony and Donny, (b) mom could have one of her "cleaning paroxysms," (c) you can get an opportunity to go out with Mirita, (d) you could get sick or just feel bad, (e) you could oversleep, (f) one of your e-friends could have a "dilemma," or (z) anything that is impromptu and would deter you from doing your homework can happen (like an emergency). One example was this weekend when Dyna had her kittens; it really took away a lot of your time. If you would do your homework ahead of time you won't have to worry if any of these things happen. So keep that in mind.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Kittyborn
Yesterday night Dyna gave birth to four kittens: three black cats and one gray cat with black stripes.
My mom named one of them "Tazmanian" because he/she was the one that was most aggressive in drinking milk.
My sister is already thinking of giving one of them to her friend and one to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend picked the gray one and named him/her "Mercury." I don't know if we're going to keep any of them. But we would have to keep them for at least a month or two so they could survive. So we are going to inevitably get attached to them. We're already attached to them and they've only been born for about ten hours. Luna was following Dyna around everywhere before they were born and they were both constantly meowing to each other, and maybe to us trying to tell us that Dyna was about to give birth. My mom suspected it and she told me to keep an eye on them. They both picked my closet as their "spot" the day before yesterday. I stayed up until 3pm, but I released them from my room before I went to bed, since my sister and dad were already awake. Dyna ended up giving birth at around 9:45pm yesterday on my sister's bed. My sister woke me up. She screamed "Oh my god!" at the top of her lungs. I assumed one of the cats died and my mom assumed I was dead. My sister always makes exaggerated screams for everything. She screamed because there was blood on her bed and the kittens were already coming out.
I have been up since then [9:45pm]. I planned to do my homework, but so far I haven't done anything. I can't use the cats as an excuse because my mom was the one primarily looking after them. Right now I should be doing work. Since I have no new messages or friend requests on MySpace and there are no new posts in any of the message boards I post in, here I am writing out a blog for today. But I guess it's an important thing to write about. Right now I'm in my sister's room keeping an eye on the cats. Luna has been next to Dyna this whole time, before and after the labor; she has barely eaten. Dyna hasn't eaten much either. Before the kittens were born they ate the whole day non-stop. It was probably to get ready for this, since they haven't left the kittens this whole time. But we brought them a little bit of food. I put Luna down in front of the bowl of food, she ate a little and then she went right back to Dyna's side. At any other time she would be pigging out.
I saw "Castle in the Sky" today, and it was fantastic. I think it's the best Miyazaki film yet. I can't believe it was made back in 1986. His films always transport me into another world and I forget I even exist. Those are the best kinds of movies. And I just want to see it again and again. I remember a few years ago I went through this "Kiki's Delivery Service" binge where I would see that movie almost everyday for like two weeks. I have to see the new one, "Howl's Moving Castle," too bad it wasn't in any theatres close-by when it came out. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.
Well, let me get to my homework now (hopefully).
My mom named one of them "Tazmanian" because he/she was the one that was most aggressive in drinking milk.
My sister is already thinking of giving one of them to her friend and one to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend picked the gray one and named him/her "Mercury." I don't know if we're going to keep any of them. But we would have to keep them for at least a month or two so they could survive. So we are going to inevitably get attached to them. We're already attached to them and they've only been born for about ten hours. Luna was following Dyna around everywhere before they were born and they were both constantly meowing to each other, and maybe to us trying to tell us that Dyna was about to give birth. My mom suspected it and she told me to keep an eye on them. They both picked my closet as their "spot" the day before yesterday. I stayed up until 3pm, but I released them from my room before I went to bed, since my sister and dad were already awake. Dyna ended up giving birth at around 9:45pm yesterday on my sister's bed. My sister woke me up. She screamed "Oh my god!" at the top of her lungs. I assumed one of the cats died and my mom assumed I was dead. My sister always makes exaggerated screams for everything. She screamed because there was blood on her bed and the kittens were already coming out.
I have been up since then [9:45pm]. I planned to do my homework, but so far I haven't done anything. I can't use the cats as an excuse because my mom was the one primarily looking after them. Right now I should be doing work. Since I have no new messages or friend requests on MySpace and there are no new posts in any of the message boards I post in, here I am writing out a blog for today. But I guess it's an important thing to write about. Right now I'm in my sister's room keeping an eye on the cats. Luna has been next to Dyna this whole time, before and after the labor; she has barely eaten. Dyna hasn't eaten much either. Before the kittens were born they ate the whole day non-stop. It was probably to get ready for this, since they haven't left the kittens this whole time. But we brought them a little bit of food. I put Luna down in front of the bowl of food, she ate a little and then she went right back to Dyna's side. At any other time she would be pigging out.
I saw "Castle in the Sky" today, and it was fantastic. I think it's the best Miyazaki film yet. I can't believe it was made back in 1986. His films always transport me into another world and I forget I even exist. Those are the best kinds of movies. And I just want to see it again and again. I remember a few years ago I went through this "Kiki's Delivery Service" binge where I would see that movie almost everyday for like two weeks. I have to see the new one, "Howl's Moving Castle," too bad it wasn't in any theatres close-by when it came out. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.
Well, let me get to my homework now (hopefully).
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Friday, September 9, 2005
Warm Leatherette
I crashed today.
It was a minor crash.
I was nervous, and I didn't know what to do.
Surprisingly, the guy I hit was very nice and calm.
He called the police so they could do a report.
I called my mom and asked her what I was supposed to do.
My dad had to come to bring me the insurance paper, because the one I had was outdated.
Surprisingly my dad wasn't [as] mad as I thought he would be. My mom was very nonchalant when I called her on the phone.
We waited for the police to come while my dad socialized with the guy I crashed into.
The policeman came and he told us that for that kind of minor crash we really didn't have to call the police.
We were just supposed to trade information and do the report ourselves.
But the police officer did the report for us.
Which was good because I don't know whether I would be able to do the report on my own.
I'm supposed to mail in one copy to this address on the back and give one copy to the insurance company.
It was $500 of estimated damage...
I'm kind of reluctantly glad that I had this experience.
It was my first car crash.
It wasn't that bad, I didn't get hurt and I didn't do that much damage.
Now I have had the experience of crashing.
I should now be more careful and alert in the future.
I always see the positive side of everything.
The positive side of this crash was that it was an experience, no on got hurt, I didn't do much damage, and I got $20 (because I told my dad I was going to 49th street because the computer at the other Taco Bell wasn't accepting cards).
It was a minor crash.
I was nervous, and I didn't know what to do.
Surprisingly, the guy I hit was very nice and calm.
He called the police so they could do a report.
I called my mom and asked her what I was supposed to do.
My dad had to come to bring me the insurance paper, because the one I had was outdated.
Surprisingly my dad wasn't [as] mad as I thought he would be. My mom was very nonchalant when I called her on the phone.
We waited for the police to come while my dad socialized with the guy I crashed into.
The policeman came and he told us that for that kind of minor crash we really didn't have to call the police.
We were just supposed to trade information and do the report ourselves.
But the police officer did the report for us.
Which was good because I don't know whether I would be able to do the report on my own.
I'm supposed to mail in one copy to this address on the back and give one copy to the insurance company.
It was $500 of estimated damage...
I'm kind of reluctantly glad that I had this experience.
It was my first car crash.
It wasn't that bad, I didn't get hurt and I didn't do that much damage.
Now I have had the experience of crashing.
I should now be more careful and alert in the future.
I always see the positive side of everything.
The positive side of this crash was that it was an experience, no on got hurt, I didn't do much damage, and I got $20 (because I told my dad I was going to 49th street because the computer at the other Taco Bell wasn't accepting cards).
Thursday, September 1, 2005
Slumber
I just woke up from a delicious day's slumber, a dreamless sleep. If that is what death feels like, life is overrated.
I felt as if every cell in my body was dead, a complete lack of perception, where I had nothing to worry about. This is why I contemplate death so much, if it feels like this, it would be better than any sensation my mind or brain can produce.
I went to sleep in hopes that my life would evaporate away, and in a way it did. During sleep, I vanished from this realm of existence.
And, when I awoke, so did the light outside, any cares or worries my family had about me, and half of my family themselves have evaporated into a state of sleep.
This is the time and the condition that I feel at my best, I feel more peaceful, complacent, and creative. Maybe I am more attune with my higher self. I love waking up at this time, preferably to an empty house. But, unfortunately, my mom is nocturnal, as am I, and there is only a two hour gap between my mom's and dad's biological clocks.
I slept through the entire day, less four hours. If only I could sleep throughout my entire life, as if I were in a coma...
I felt as if every cell in my body was dead, a complete lack of perception, where I had nothing to worry about. This is why I contemplate death so much, if it feels like this, it would be better than any sensation my mind or brain can produce.
I went to sleep in hopes that my life would evaporate away, and in a way it did. During sleep, I vanished from this realm of existence.
And, when I awoke, so did the light outside, any cares or worries my family had about me, and half of my family themselves have evaporated into a state of sleep.
This is the time and the condition that I feel at my best, I feel more peaceful, complacent, and creative. Maybe I am more attune with my higher self. I love waking up at this time, preferably to an empty house. But, unfortunately, my mom is nocturnal, as am I, and there is only a two hour gap between my mom's and dad's biological clocks.
I slept through the entire day, less four hours. If only I could sleep throughout my entire life, as if I were in a coma...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Dream
I had this dream that I was in my old apartment complex, and right in the middle of it there was an onramp to this expressway.
It was this special expressway that you could only get through my apartment complex.
I think it had an offramp as well on the opposite side of the onramp.
It was right in the center, encircled by other apartment buildings (from the same complex), where grass or something else should be. But there was an expressway instead.
Well, all I remember is that I went on the expressway and that, at another time, I was also looking at it and walking around that area.
Nothing special.
The strange thing is, I remember having this dream before.
It was this special expressway that you could only get through my apartment complex.
I think it had an offramp as well on the opposite side of the onramp.
It was right in the center, encircled by other apartment buildings (from the same complex), where grass or something else should be. But there was an expressway instead.
Well, all I remember is that I went on the expressway and that, at another time, I was also looking at it and walking around that area.
Nothing special.
The strange thing is, I remember having this dream before.
[i]summer[/i]
Well, I just wanted to say this, now that the time is right.
I'm starting school now, and I know I've been complaining about wasting time throughout the summer, but I think I actually had a pretty good summer.
Maybe even a "great" summer.
I didn't just waste my entire summer like I would like to lead myself to believe.
-I cleaned out all of the boxes full of papers, books, and other miscellaneous stuff that I had in my room.
-I cleaned my room and organized a lot of my papers, gavetas, and such. (Although that was in the very beginning of summer and I should do another "spring cleaning" soon.)
-I got my laptop.
-Me and my dad set up my desk and office chair.
-I made and perfected my résumé (although I never got the job).
-I helped my Literary Analysis professor over the summer (for almost two months) editing essays and doing some other "office work" (for WAC) in order to get a change of grade. I finally got it, and he changed it from a 'D' to a 'B.'
-I took a real estate course for three weeks and I passed.
-I ate junkfood everyday for the entire second half of summer and only gained like eight lbs.
-I pretty much went to a drive-thru (to buy junkfood) and/or Farm Stores (to buy soda) everyday from 1a to 4a.
-I learned how to drive to Davie.
-I went on a few "joyrides," around Hialeah and to Miami Lakes. Twice I went through the route I learned that goes all the way to Davie without my parents knowing. The second time around I took the expressway on the way back without really being sure about it (since I had only been in that expressway once before in my life) and I made it home okay. I went to this other place once too, I think it was Miami Gardens. All of these "joyrides" were from 2a to 5a.
-I experienced driving 111 mph (it didn't want to go any faster), although it was only for a few minutes.
-I tested out my independence (given to me by my parents), and found that I had a lot of it.
-I found out/learned about new music and other "cool"/interesting things in general. Maybe I learned more about myself as well.
-I "grew."
I'm starting school now, and I know I've been complaining about wasting time throughout the summer, but I think I actually had a pretty good summer.
Maybe even a "great" summer.
I didn't just waste my entire summer like I would like to lead myself to believe.
-I cleaned out all of the boxes full of papers, books, and other miscellaneous stuff that I had in my room.
-I cleaned my room and organized a lot of my papers, gavetas, and such. (Although that was in the very beginning of summer and I should do another "spring cleaning" soon.)
-I got my laptop.
-Me and my dad set up my desk and office chair.
-I made and perfected my résumé (although I never got the job).
-I helped my Literary Analysis professor over the summer (for almost two months) editing essays and doing some other "office work" (for WAC) in order to get a change of grade. I finally got it, and he changed it from a 'D' to a 'B.'
-I took a real estate course for three weeks and I passed.
-I ate junkfood everyday for the entire second half of summer and only gained like eight lbs.
-I pretty much went to a drive-thru (to buy junkfood) and/or Farm Stores (to buy soda) everyday from 1a to 4a.
-I learned how to drive to Davie.
-I went on a few "joyrides," around Hialeah and to Miami Lakes. Twice I went through the route I learned that goes all the way to Davie without my parents knowing. The second time around I took the expressway on the way back without really being sure about it (since I had only been in that expressway once before in my life) and I made it home okay. I went to this other place once too, I think it was Miami Gardens. All of these "joyrides" were from 2a to 5a.
-I experienced driving 111 mph (it didn't want to go any faster), although it was only for a few minutes.
-I tested out my independence (given to me by my parents), and found that I had a lot of it.
-I found out/learned about new music and other "cool"/interesting things in general. Maybe I learned more about myself as well.
-I "grew."
[s]summer[/s]
:(
I'm going to really miss summer.
I just finished getting a Bacon McGriddle combo from McDonalds.
(I found out they have breakfast after 4am. They're really strict. I think they should just serve both breakfast and lunch at all times...)
When school starts, I know I'm not going to be able to get McDonalds or Taco Bell at 3 or 4 am anymore because I should be sleeping or doing homework. Oh and I can't go on my "joyrides" in the middle of the night either...
Well, maybe I can a bit if don't overwhelm myself with so much work and get stuff out of the way (without procrastinating).
I'm not going to be able to slack off anymore... :(
(as much)
I just hope everything goes well.
Today I was able to get half of my textbooks in this used book store in front of FIU.
I was also able to get all of my school supplies and some other things.
So I don't have to worry about those things anymore.
I'm looking forward to starting school.
I'm going to really miss summer.
I just finished getting a Bacon McGriddle combo from McDonalds.
(I found out they have breakfast after 4am. They're really strict. I think they should just serve both breakfast and lunch at all times...)
When school starts, I know I'm not going to be able to get McDonalds or Taco Bell at 3 or 4 am anymore because I should be sleeping or doing homework. Oh and I can't go on my "joyrides" in the middle of the night either...
Well, maybe I can a bit if don't overwhelm myself with so much work and get stuff out of the way (without procrastinating).
I'm not going to be able to slack off anymore... :(
(as much)
I just hope everything goes well.
Today I was able to get half of my textbooks in this used book store in front of FIU.
I was also able to get all of my school supplies and some other things.
So I don't have to worry about those things anymore.
I'm looking forward to starting school.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
To Do
Task: Differentiate between errands and different types of goals (short-term, long-term, life goals, short and big goals).
I mix a lot of different things in my to-do lists that aren't errands or tasks to do. A lot of them are actually goals that just can't be done in an allotted time and checked off. I need to make a to-do list and identify what is a goal (and what kind of goal it is) and what is a simple task or errand. Maybe I can even determine and identify the difficulty of certain tasks/errands. Commingling errands and goals really makes me anxious. I need a separate list of goals from my to-do lists.
Then maybe I can break down my goals into smaller and smaller goals, until they are small enough to become specific tasks. If those tasks are too arduous, I can break them down further until I have the most ease.
Maybe I can even get to the point that I can associate certain tasks to their corresponding goals and I can see myself progressing towards not just that goal, but many different goals.
I mix a lot of different things in my to-do lists that aren't errands or tasks to do. A lot of them are actually goals that just can't be done in an allotted time and checked off. I need to make a to-do list and identify what is a goal (and what kind of goal it is) and what is a simple task or errand. Maybe I can even determine and identify the difficulty of certain tasks/errands. Commingling errands and goals really makes me anxious. I need a separate list of goals from my to-do lists.
Then maybe I can break down my goals into smaller and smaller goals, until they are small enough to become specific tasks. If those tasks are too arduous, I can break them down further until I have the most ease.
Maybe I can even get to the point that I can associate certain tasks to their corresponding goals and I can see myself progressing towards not just that goal, but many different goals.
Menacingly Looming Imminence
I think all of my anxiety of "impending doom" was actually me sensing the hurricane.
I now found out that hurricane Katrina is coming tomorrow! Today I felt horrible, like "something bad is going to happen." Yesterday night I felt a modicum of that as well. I thought that everything was going crazy or something, but I think it was just that I sensed that the hurricane was coming, just like animals can sense it. I actually hadn't heard anything about it until a few hours ago.
Sometimes I can sense when something is going to happen. A few years ago, I had a similar "uneasy," "unsettling" feeling, and by the end of the day my family had a huge fight. I don't get it all the time, but when I do it's usually because something "bad" is going to happen. Although, I don't remember if I have had any "miscalculations" with this.
I think I got some of my luck back. First of all, my change-of-grade and FAFSA money appeared just in time, right before it was due. Also, I noticed that my Accounting teacher was changed; now I have a different Accounting teacher. I looked up my old Accounting teacher's rating in the new "Rate Your Professor" feature on MySpace.com, and she had a very low rating. All of the comments were negative, and she only had one score/comment that was neutral.
I now found out that hurricane Katrina is coming tomorrow! Today I felt horrible, like "something bad is going to happen." Yesterday night I felt a modicum of that as well. I thought that everything was going crazy or something, but I think it was just that I sensed that the hurricane was coming, just like animals can sense it. I actually hadn't heard anything about it until a few hours ago.
Sometimes I can sense when something is going to happen. A few years ago, I had a similar "uneasy," "unsettling" feeling, and by the end of the day my family had a huge fight. I don't get it all the time, but when I do it's usually because something "bad" is going to happen. Although, I don't remember if I have had any "miscalculations" with this.
I think I got some of my luck back. First of all, my change-of-grade and FAFSA money appeared just in time, right before it was due. Also, I noticed that my Accounting teacher was changed; now I have a different Accounting teacher. I looked up my old Accounting teacher's rating in the new "Rate Your Professor" feature on MySpace.com, and she had a very low rating. All of the comments were negative, and she only had one score/comment that was neutral.
Entropy
Everything is breaking around the house.
The remote to open the gate, the toilet, the bathroom tiles, the bathroom window, and the microwave have all broke. Probably some other things as well that I left out.
I tried changing my e-mail address for this forum I go to everyday, but I never received the validation e-mail, and now I can't log in until my e-mail address is validated. So I can't use that forum at all now.
I have several things I want to do before school starts, but I can't bring myself to do them (like checking all of my e-mails, cleaning/organizing my room, reading a bit of my Real Estate book, etc.).
School is looming ominously around the corner. I still haven't received my financial aid money and I need to buy my textbooks.
I have to take my Real Estate exam, but when? I have school starting in several days. I also have to study for Calculus which I need to take next semester, but I don't know in what time.
I'm sure there are several other dilemmas I missed or that are yet to come forth.
I blame all of these problems on my procrastination and not having things "neat and organized."
If I had things "neat and organized," my life would be "neat and organized" as well.
But now everything is a mess, and my life is reflecting that with all of these things breaking and all of these things are "going wrong."
And/or the "chaos" in my mind may be creating [even more] choas in my real life.
I actually told myself that I wasn't going to be so anal anymore and just "take things easy." And look what happens. I think that being anal kind of "balanced me out" because I would care about little things so much that it would make me anxious enough to actually do something. But there is a drawback about being anal. Since I want everything to be so perfect, I get overwhelmed and end up not doing anything at all.
I need to find a "happy medium." I should try to use my perfectionism when I see fit, and not all the time. I should "take it easy" other times too. I don't know what kind of brainwashing theories I need to make to get rid of my bad habits, but I need to think of something soon!
I hope I can at least check all of my e-mails now...
Well, at least I have been playing "Sonic Adventure DX," and I'm almost finished with it. So that's one thing that I am achieving.
Oh, and I finally got the change-of-grade for my Literary Analysis class. My professor changed it from a 'D' to a 'B.' So that's one positive thing that has happened at least.
The remote to open the gate, the toilet, the bathroom tiles, the bathroom window, and the microwave have all broke. Probably some other things as well that I left out.
I tried changing my e-mail address for this forum I go to everyday, but I never received the validation e-mail, and now I can't log in until my e-mail address is validated. So I can't use that forum at all now.
I have several things I want to do before school starts, but I can't bring myself to do them (like checking all of my e-mails, cleaning/organizing my room, reading a bit of my Real Estate book, etc.).
School is looming ominously around the corner. I still haven't received my financial aid money and I need to buy my textbooks.
I have to take my Real Estate exam, but when? I have school starting in several days. I also have to study for Calculus which I need to take next semester, but I don't know in what time.
I'm sure there are several other dilemmas I missed or that are yet to come forth.
I blame all of these problems on my procrastination and not having things "neat and organized."
If I had things "neat and organized," my life would be "neat and organized" as well.
But now everything is a mess, and my life is reflecting that with all of these things breaking and all of these things are "going wrong."
And/or the "chaos" in my mind may be creating [even more] choas in my real life.
I actually told myself that I wasn't going to be so anal anymore and just "take things easy." And look what happens. I think that being anal kind of "balanced me out" because I would care about little things so much that it would make me anxious enough to actually do something. But there is a drawback about being anal. Since I want everything to be so perfect, I get overwhelmed and end up not doing anything at all.
I need to find a "happy medium." I should try to use my perfectionism when I see fit, and not all the time. I should "take it easy" other times too. I don't know what kind of brainwashing theories I need to make to get rid of my bad habits, but I need to think of something soon!
I hope I can at least check all of my e-mails now...
Well, at least I have been playing "Sonic Adventure DX," and I'm almost finished with it. So that's one thing that I am achieving.
Oh, and I finally got the change-of-grade for my Literary Analysis class. My professor changed it from a 'D' to a 'B.' So that's one positive thing that has happened at least.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Dissociative Identity Disorder
I just finished watching "Sybil" (well 3/4 of it).
It was a great movie.
Sybil has such a nice personality. She's really interesting. And she is good at talking and she thinks fast. Like that mom from the Gilmore Girls.
I can't help to think that maybe I've had a lost personality from my past, or maybe we all have.
Maybe, we have certain personalities with certain skills and preferences, and we just lose them as time passes by and gain new personalities in their places.
Before, I used to be a more "left-brained" person. I was good in math, I was always organized, I did everything on time. That personality also liked reading. Now I'm the complete opposite, I'm more spontaneous, I loathe math, I'm more creative, I'm less organized, and I can't concentrate when it comes to reading. My more left-brained personality just left one day, and I don't know how to get back in contact with him. It would really help with Calculus.
Just like with Sybil, if I could get into contact with this personality it would help me cope with some aspects of life, just like she had to "unite" all of her different personalities to use in her life for different situations.
People with disassociative identity disorder have a fragmented personality and different fragments emerge at different times. Maybe everyone has this, they just lose a fragment, but they just don't know how to "trigger" that fragment (directly or indirectly).
I know, I'm full of these preposterous theories, but I think thinking of things in differently helps me cope with life better.
I don't know, but I have something. I may not be psychotic, but I'm pretty sure I'm neurotic in some ways.
For example, I have a phobia of cutting my hair. (But maybe with my recent haircut it went away. Let's see.)
I'm always anxious about a lot of things, about everything. I just think the worse and I overwhelm myself a lot.
I make a lot of lists of things that I have or want to do, but I never do anything. I list so many things that I have to do that I get too overwhelmed and never do anything. I start by listing what I have to do within the next few days, then within the next few weeks, then what I would like to do in a few months, and then my goals for the coming years and the future. And each item in the list isn't even a specific task I can check off, they're things like "read all of the books you have around the house" or "lose weight" or "organize everything in your room."
And everything I want to do, I want to do it perfect, something that I can't attain because it doesn't exist. So it's this never-ending, self-defeating cycle because I overwhelm myself with a myriad of vague tasks that I want to do, each of them perfectly, and I would just never finish half of them.
I also have these twitches, and make these spontaneous decisions. And I sometimes act weird...
But I love all of my eccentricities.
Also, my mom has nerve problems. She has to take pills. A lot of times she gets scared, nervous, or anxious. Other times she feels dizzy, without energy, and just generally sick in one way or another. So maybe I got something from her, we're similar in a lot of ways.
She had a bad upbringing; her mom was very strict and unfair. She made her clean the entire house everyday after school and would even wake her up from her sleep if she didn't finish something. She would tell my mom that she would do something for her, then just change her mind without giving a reason. That's what she did with my mom's license, and she had to end up getting it on her own at age 19. With a lot of things she made rash decisions and wouldn’t give my mom more than the explanation of “because I’m your mother.“ That's just the tip of the iceberg. And all of this was psychologically damaging for her.
Ironically, after I finished watching "Sybil," I went to my mom's room, and she had awoken scared from her sleep. She felt like everything was out of control. I sat next to her and tried to comfort her until she went back to sleep.
I want to try to be successful and make good money so I can give my mom everything she was unable to get during her childhood. And just so she could be happy and have some kind of solace in her life to make up for her past.
Addendum (08/24/05):
Another reason I might suspect I'm insane is because, a lot of times, I get into debates with people and they say that what I'm saying is illogical, but I can't see why.
Also, I notice I'm like "two different [sometimes even opposite] people" at different times.
I notice I'm different in the afternoon when I wake up than in the late night before I go to sleep. I'm more calm in the beginning of the day and I'm more emotional later in the day.
But that's normal.
I actually think that all of those things are normal.
I don't really think I'm crazy, just a little "off" or neurotic.
It was a great movie.
Sybil has such a nice personality. She's really interesting. And she is good at talking and she thinks fast. Like that mom from the Gilmore Girls.
I can't help to think that maybe I've had a lost personality from my past, or maybe we all have.
Maybe, we have certain personalities with certain skills and preferences, and we just lose them as time passes by and gain new personalities in their places.
Before, I used to be a more "left-brained" person. I was good in math, I was always organized, I did everything on time. That personality also liked reading. Now I'm the complete opposite, I'm more spontaneous, I loathe math, I'm more creative, I'm less organized, and I can't concentrate when it comes to reading. My more left-brained personality just left one day, and I don't know how to get back in contact with him. It would really help with Calculus.
Just like with Sybil, if I could get into contact with this personality it would help me cope with some aspects of life, just like she had to "unite" all of her different personalities to use in her life for different situations.
People with disassociative identity disorder have a fragmented personality and different fragments emerge at different times. Maybe everyone has this, they just lose a fragment, but they just don't know how to "trigger" that fragment (directly or indirectly).
I know, I'm full of these preposterous theories, but I think thinking of things in differently helps me cope with life better.
I don't know, but I have something. I may not be psychotic, but I'm pretty sure I'm neurotic in some ways.
For example, I have a phobia of cutting my hair. (But maybe with my recent haircut it went away. Let's see.)
I'm always anxious about a lot of things, about everything. I just think the worse and I overwhelm myself a lot.
I make a lot of lists of things that I have or want to do, but I never do anything. I list so many things that I have to do that I get too overwhelmed and never do anything. I start by listing what I have to do within the next few days, then within the next few weeks, then what I would like to do in a few months, and then my goals for the coming years and the future. And each item in the list isn't even a specific task I can check off, they're things like "read all of the books you have around the house" or "lose weight" or "organize everything in your room."
And everything I want to do, I want to do it perfect, something that I can't attain because it doesn't exist. So it's this never-ending, self-defeating cycle because I overwhelm myself with a myriad of vague tasks that I want to do, each of them perfectly, and I would just never finish half of them.
I also have these twitches, and make these spontaneous decisions. And I sometimes act weird...
But I love all of my eccentricities.
Also, my mom has nerve problems. She has to take pills. A lot of times she gets scared, nervous, or anxious. Other times she feels dizzy, without energy, and just generally sick in one way or another. So maybe I got something from her, we're similar in a lot of ways.
She had a bad upbringing; her mom was very strict and unfair. She made her clean the entire house everyday after school and would even wake her up from her sleep if she didn't finish something. She would tell my mom that she would do something for her, then just change her mind without giving a reason. That's what she did with my mom's license, and she had to end up getting it on her own at age 19. With a lot of things she made rash decisions and wouldn’t give my mom more than the explanation of “because I’m your mother.“ That's just the tip of the iceberg. And all of this was psychologically damaging for her.
Ironically, after I finished watching "Sybil," I went to my mom's room, and she had awoken scared from her sleep. She felt like everything was out of control. I sat next to her and tried to comfort her until she went back to sleep.
I want to try to be successful and make good money so I can give my mom everything she was unable to get during her childhood. And just so she could be happy and have some kind of solace in her life to make up for her past.
Addendum (08/24/05):
Another reason I might suspect I'm insane is because, a lot of times, I get into debates with people and they say that what I'm saying is illogical, but I can't see why.
Also, I notice I'm like "two different [sometimes even opposite] people" at different times.
I notice I'm different in the afternoon when I wake up than in the late night before I go to sleep. I'm more calm in the beginning of the day and I'm more emotional later in the day.
But that's normal.
I actually think that all of those things are normal.
I don't really think I'm crazy, just a little "off" or neurotic.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Pilosity
Yay! I'm actually getting to the point where I have good pictures of myself.
Maybe it's just my new haircut that I love so much. :)
I've noticed people have been treating me nicer ever since I got a haircut.
Like a few ladies at the registers of any given store. They smile at me and some ask me questions and try to initiate idle conversations with me.
I never got that before. It's possibly also my confidence that people are perceiving, not just my haircut.
Ugh. I hope strangers don't start to want to become my friend and then drag me to places I don't want to go and want to spend time with me. I'm worried about that happening when I start school in a bit.
I've only had my hair cut for three days and already it's a dramatic change.
I feel so much better about myself and I'm more optimistic. I like to go out more too, since I feel better about myself. Before the thought of having to step outside sent chills down my spine.
I'm (dare I say it?) happy. This is an interesting emotion, all of my worries and anxiety just wither away. I just hope this emotion doesn't lower my IQ or give me a toothache. But happiness is always good and healthy in moderation.
Well, today I saw "The Skeleton Key." I liked it. I want to practice hoodoo now. :)
It was my type of movie. A "mystery" movie about ghosts with a classic "twist" at the end.
It wasn't very scary, but I don't get scared with any movie, so I didn't really mind it.
Maybe it's just my new haircut that I love so much. :)
I've noticed people have been treating me nicer ever since I got a haircut.
Like a few ladies at the registers of any given store. They smile at me and some ask me questions and try to initiate idle conversations with me.
I never got that before. It's possibly also my confidence that people are perceiving, not just my haircut.
Ugh. I hope strangers don't start to want to become my friend and then drag me to places I don't want to go and want to spend time with me. I'm worried about that happening when I start school in a bit.
I've only had my hair cut for three days and already it's a dramatic change.
I feel so much better about myself and I'm more optimistic. I like to go out more too, since I feel better about myself. Before the thought of having to step outside sent chills down my spine.
I'm (dare I say it?) happy. This is an interesting emotion, all of my worries and anxiety just wither away. I just hope this emotion doesn't lower my IQ or give me a toothache. But happiness is always good and healthy in moderation.
Well, today I saw "The Skeleton Key." I liked it. I want to practice hoodoo now. :)
It was my type of movie. A "mystery" movie about ghosts with a classic "twist" at the end.
It wasn't very scary, but I don't get scared with any movie, so I didn't really mind it.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Philosophy
| You scored as Nihilism. Your life is marked by strong Nihilism: You feel that nothing in the world, even your life, has much or any meaning. "For out of fear and need each religion is born, creeping into existence on the byways of reason." "There are no facts, only interpretations." "Every belief, every considering something-true, is necessarily false because there is simply no true world." --Friedrich Nietzsche More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...
What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com |
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http://www.hlg.edu/ds/6p.htm
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http://www.hlg.edu/ds/6p.htm
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Are You a Lark, an Owl, or a Hummingbird?
I am never able to pick all of my classes at a normal time.
There are always some classes that I end up having to take at some ungodly hour that messes up my entire schedule.
I had all of my classes from 5p-7:40p. But the latest I could find any other class is at 12:30p!
So I'm going to have to wait about three hours between classes on Monday and Wednesday.
(Actually, the class is from 2p-3:15p on Monday, so I don't have to wait that long on Monday at least.)
Ugh! They are so discriminatory towards people that are naturally accustomed to a night schedule.
(Damned "real world.")
Hopefully I can find some other class I'm interested in by digging through my textbook-sized course catalogue. But the more time passes by, the less classes are available. And I need time to sit down and look through that book and see what classes I would like to take, as well as if they are being offered, if they're open, and if they're at a reasonable time.
Sigh, by the time that biological-clock pluralism reaches the collective consciousness I would have already graduated...
The fact is that most people are "night people," at least at a younger age. I don't know why everyone should be forced to an unnatural schedule that just leaves them sleepier, more stressed, and unable to cope with life to their fullest.
Larks are actually rare, at least from my experience. So why should the majority be forced to live by a schedule that is only utilized by a minority?
I think the world would be happier if we lived in a 24-hour society where everything is open [or almost open] 24 hours a day.
People would pick work shifts at a time that is reasonable to them, leading them to be more efficient and productive. This is not only good for the well-being of the people themselves, but it's also good for business.
People would also be able to patronize businesses at any hour they chose, rather than rushing in right before they close. Although, some commercial industries, such as fast food restaurants, pharmacies, and Wal-Mart, have done a good job with this.
The [late] nighttime in this 24-hour society will no longer be filled with would-be criminals, rather, it would be filled with people that are more awake during those hours. This would probably minimize crime, since there would be more people around, regardless of the time of day, so criminals won't have many places to hide.
There are always some classes that I end up having to take at some ungodly hour that messes up my entire schedule.
I had all of my classes from 5p-7:40p. But the latest I could find any other class is at 12:30p!
So I'm going to have to wait about three hours between classes on Monday and Wednesday.
(Actually, the class is from 2p-3:15p on Monday, so I don't have to wait that long on Monday at least.)
Ugh! They are so discriminatory towards people that are naturally accustomed to a night schedule.
(Damned "real world.")
Hopefully I can find some other class I'm interested in by digging through my textbook-sized course catalogue. But the more time passes by, the less classes are available. And I need time to sit down and look through that book and see what classes I would like to take, as well as if they are being offered, if they're open, and if they're at a reasonable time.
Sigh, by the time that biological-clock pluralism reaches the collective consciousness I would have already graduated...
The fact is that most people are "night people," at least at a younger age. I don't know why everyone should be forced to an unnatural schedule that just leaves them sleepier, more stressed, and unable to cope with life to their fullest.
Larks are actually rare, at least from my experience. So why should the majority be forced to live by a schedule that is only utilized by a minority?
I think the world would be happier if we lived in a 24-hour society where everything is open [or almost open] 24 hours a day.
People would pick work shifts at a time that is reasonable to them, leading them to be more efficient and productive. This is not only good for the well-being of the people themselves, but it's also good for business.
People would also be able to patronize businesses at any hour they chose, rather than rushing in right before they close. Although, some commercial industries, such as fast food restaurants, pharmacies, and Wal-Mart, have done a good job with this.
The [late] nighttime in this 24-hour society will no longer be filled with would-be criminals, rather, it would be filled with people that are more awake during those hours. This would probably minimize crime, since there would be more people around, regardless of the time of day, so criminals won't have many places to hide.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
I'm here,
sitting.
My cat is on my lap licking my arm with her sandpaper tongue.
I have to go to my school to turn in some papers with my mom.
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
I want to be a musician.........
sitting.
My cat is on my lap licking my arm with her sandpaper tongue.
I have to go to my school to turn in some papers with my mom.
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
I want to be a musician.........
Monday, August 8, 2005
Pressure
Conclusion: I don't work well under pressure. When I'm under pressure to do something, I just won't do it at all or do an incomplete, subpar job in the last minute. It's like I "shut down" when I have to do something in a rush.
Why: I have been taking Real Estate classes for about two weeks. We have to read about two chapters everyday, and it's just too overwhelming for me. Out of 20 chapters, I have only read [almost] three.
I was starting to think that maybe I would work well under pressure, since I procrastinate so much and have been a fainéant do-nothing this entire summer, despite having a myriad of free time. But, as this example shows, I don't work well with pressure. Now, I need to find evidence that I work well while not under any pressure. I need to at least know that I work well some way or another. I haven't been very productive lately, so I need to find something that tells me that I am capable of "getting things done," in order to have some motivation to be more productive in the future. I also have to find a way to "do it anyway" when under pressure, even though I don't work well, or to, at the least, "get it over with" as soon as possible so I won't have such a big time constraint at the end.
Well, I have done a few things during the summer. I just haven't kept a log of it, so I'm not sure of what I have done. I should start keeping a record of anything I get "accomplished" (even if it's not really that significant), just so I can show myself that I am capable of doing things and hopefully get motivated to do more in the future.
Why: I have been taking Real Estate classes for about two weeks. We have to read about two chapters everyday, and it's just too overwhelming for me. Out of 20 chapters, I have only read [almost] three.
I was starting to think that maybe I would work well under pressure, since I procrastinate so much and have been a fainéant do-nothing this entire summer, despite having a myriad of free time. But, as this example shows, I don't work well with pressure. Now, I need to find evidence that I work well while not under any pressure. I need to at least know that I work well some way or another. I haven't been very productive lately, so I need to find something that tells me that I am capable of "getting things done," in order to have some motivation to be more productive in the future. I also have to find a way to "do it anyway" when under pressure, even though I don't work well, or to, at the least, "get it over with" as soon as possible so I won't have such a big time constraint at the end.
Well, I have done a few things during the summer. I just haven't kept a log of it, so I'm not sure of what I have done. I should start keeping a record of anything I get "accomplished" (even if it's not really that significant), just so I can show myself that I am capable of doing things and hopefully get motivated to do more in the future.
Sunday, August 7, 2005
Society
Friends are just receptacles for superfluous information and alternate mediums of entertainment.
Why I Created This Journal
Reasons Why I Created This Journal/Utilization of This Blog
1. I've always wanted to have a journal.
2. To have a medium of expression.
3. To help me practice writing, and possibly become better at it.
4. To have a place to vent my feelings. (Several times in the past I have had to keep my feelings "bottled up inside" or have had to forget about them altogether because I had no medium or person to vent my feelings through.)
5. To analyze some of my behaviors and try to justify or find the reasons behind them. This may prevent or conduce said behaviors in the future if need be.
6. To keep a record of anything I may deem important.
7. To post any complaints I have about the world.
8. To keep a log of any ideas, theories, or musings I may have.
9. Self-actualization: To keep a record of any goals or plans I may have and log any progress.
10. To keep a record of anything I should beware of (such as any counterproductive habits).
11. To write about anything that is going on in my life (that I deem worth typing about).
12. Possibly to show progress in my life (rather than presumed stagnancy).
13. To look back in my life and appease any nostalgia.
1. I've always wanted to have a journal.
2. To have a medium of expression.
3. To help me practice writing, and possibly become better at it.
4. To have a place to vent my feelings. (Several times in the past I have had to keep my feelings "bottled up inside" or have had to forget about them altogether because I had no medium or person to vent my feelings through.)
5. To analyze some of my behaviors and try to justify or find the reasons behind them. This may prevent or conduce said behaviors in the future if need be.
6. To keep a record of anything I may deem important.
7. To post any complaints I have about the world.
8. To keep a log of any ideas, theories, or musings I may have.
9. Self-actualization: To keep a record of any goals or plans I may have and log any progress.
10. To keep a record of anything I should beware of (such as any counterproductive habits).
11. To write about anything that is going on in my life (that I deem worth typing about).
12. Possibly to show progress in my life (rather than presumed stagnancy).
13. To look back in my life and appease any nostalgia.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Friday, February 18, 2005
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